1) I finally caved and joined Facebook. This was basically at the nudging of my literary agent who said publishers are asking what sort of following I have. The short answer is that I have no following. Once when my parents came to visit me in SF, I walked a block ahead of them and when I turned around they were no longer behind me. They were following a group of Japanese tourists heading in the opposite direction and apparently the language difference and lack of daughter didn't register. That's a true story and the one I feel like telling publishers.
I'm on facebook now, trying to find a following but really just falling into the pitfalls of Facebook-- namely looking at people's pictures and realizing that a large group of people from my past now have babies. BABIES! Holy crap, so many babies. I saw a pregnancy picture of an old friend and was thiiis close to writing, "Damn, you got fat." but stopped myself. Parents can be so uptight.
2) My birthday is coming up. I've been having minor panic attacks in the middle of the night because I'm about to be 29 and I'm thinking I might have misspent my 20's. And while totally teasing, Meredith has implied that I'm ancient. Her jokes are good, I'll give her that.
Me: I want to be with you for a long time.
Mer (Nodding the way you do to someone in a hospital bed): As long as you have left.
But at the beginning of November we had a moratorium on all age-related jokes.
Me: Hey! You said!
Mer: I said I'd try. And I am. I'm trying.... And I'm coming up with some really good ones.
3) I've had a string of "Oh, no. This is your life" moments at work where elderly people scream at me about their sandwiches.
Me: Would you care for anything else on your sandwich?
Old people: LIKE WHATTT???!!!
Old people love to ask the "Like what?!" question while conveying absolute disgust for my existence. They are completely confused and clearly offended by an offer to top corned beef with a tomato.
Me: Oh, anything you want! Lettuce, onion...
Old people: [Shaking their heads, dismissing me with a wave, frowning with a bad taste face like I've just asked to shit on their sandwich and then screaming] NO!
By the fifth time an old person yelled, "LIKE WHAT?!" into my face yesterday I replied, "Anything you want. A moustache. A sneaker..."
They didn't hear.
Anyway, enough is enough. I'm making a full-effort push to get this first book of mine published. But I need your help. I'm launching a Tell Ya Friends campaign to get the word out. Somebody must know somebody who knows somebody. And if not, then maybe numbers will help the process. So please, if you've ever come close to cracking a smile on this site, let a buddy know. If you have ideas for me, let me know. If you could help spread some buzz about Open-Eyed Sneeze in any way, I'll love you forever. And if you need anything else on your sandwich, you know where to find me.