Thursday, March 29, 2007

How "Lost" Ends.

Warning: This is a Spoiler. If you watch Lost and don't want to know how it ends, go read somebody else's blog.

I came home last night and Raf was watching Lost. He totally got me hooked the first season, but I became fed up with knowing less and less and annoyed with the additional information thrown at me every week, basically ensuring that I would have no clue what was going on.
OK, in this episode, they're going to find another hatch. And this hatch will have a computer too, and um, they have to push a button every so often and then the others will come, and um, they'll bring a polar bear, and then oh, watch out, there's this black blob thing that could kill you, and this guy says, "brother" a lot, and oh here's a flashback to how the Koreans met and fell in love and isn't this the best show you've ever seen!

NO! The man who shouts, "Big Sky, Montana!" over and over on the bus makes more sense than this show.

Raffi thinks it's brilliant because he believes the writers have known all along how the story will end. I think the writers were shocked that the show lasted this long and have no effing clue what's going on. You know the writing meetings every week are like, "So, any ideas how we could end this believably?" And they all just stare at each other with guilty looks.

Have you ever had a conversation with a child who was lying? They drag the story out including random bits of useless and unrelated information in hopes that they might eventually weave it into something someone would buy. The writers at Lost are about as creative as a 4-year old trying to explain that he didn't sit on his own birthday cake. "And then...and then....and then..."

So I was telling Raffi this and he said I was wrong and I was like, "You know, they could just end it. They'll play that weird music, Mathew Fox will look down a hole and that could be it. You'd never know how it really ended."
"They would never do that."
"But they could. How mad would you be?"
"I would just be mad if the last episode someone woke up and it was all a dream."

And there it was. Raffi had solved the Lost puzzle. Waste no more Wednesday nights my friends, this is how Lost ends. In the final episode, just as the people of the island are about to have the truth revealed to them, Bob Newhart will wake up and discover that he's just had a very strange dream. There will be clues to this ending next season, when they find another hatch that happens to be a quaint Inn in Vermont.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Wind It Up!

Gwen Stefani was the guest coach on Idol this week and truthfully, it was the only reason I watched the whole show. How could you not love her?! She's just about as cool as a human being could hope to be. When her latest cd came out I was like a 13-year old on TRL. "AHHHH! I'm Jess from San FranDisco and at number 3 this is 'yummy!' I DARE you not to dance! AHHH." This kid at work kept making fun of me and repeated, "Wind it up!" about 45 times a day for 2 weeks until he ruined the song for me.

A little while after this, I went into work and ran into Erik who was like, "You'll never believe who stayed here last night. Your girl Gwen."
So I did the Elaine "Get Out!" shove and started flipping asking if he met her, if she was still there, etc. And he was like, "yea, she's cool. and I mentioned that you were a huge fan so I got her to sign something for you."
Cue 13-year old reactions. "You did!?! Let's see!!"
So he gave me this picture of her and I saw her autograph on it and started to jump around before I even read the note. Erik was laughing a little bit and I thought it was because of my reaction but I looked at the note and it said, "To Jess, Wind It Up!" Gwen Stefani.

I stopped jumping and my smile faded away. "Wind it up?!!" And he just burst out laughing.
She was never even there.

I'm keeping it anyway, I don't care.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Just A Thought.

You know what would make Britney Spears a better mother and role model?
A machine gun leg.

Thursday, March 22, 2007

Change And a Joke.

Richard Hell wrote a great article for the New York Times when CBGB's closed. (Note: CBGB's has a special place in my heart because a bartender there once threatened to beat me up. Another story, for another time.) The article ended by saying:

"We all know that nothing lasts. But at least we can make a cool and funny exhibit of it. I'm serious. God likes change and a joke. God loves CBGB's."

So i don't know if God caught that whole incident with the bartender, but i love the bit about change and a joke. It's my new mantra because it's so true, right?

I put in official notice at work yesterday, sans the dramatics I had envisioned. No big Jerry Maguire, "Who's coming with me?!" speech. No rants about how questions of beef temperature will suck the soul from your body, or that the only skill I've gained in the last few years is knowing when people will need an extra fork. I have those rants, and if we're drinking together, you'll get to hear them. I have a ketchup diatribe that could easily last all night. But I refrained from any of that, and it felt good. Just a short note typed on company paper, sealed and placed in Karen's mailbox. I really feel like I've grown. The last time I quit I said, "This is my last day, bye." Something on paper is a big step for me.

The crazy thing is, when things end, you really just want to make a cool funny exhibit of it. My job blows my nose, but knowing I'm leaving makes it seem like this hilarious little party I went to everyday. The guys I worked with made me laugh, I got to talk to some cool celebrities about their sandwiches, I learned a lot about food, and even days that I would sit there and stare at the floor seem funny now too. I was able to pay off my student loans staring at the floor. Not many people can say that, outside of maybe a radio contest winner.

A few things I'll take away from this job:

-Japanese people LOVE clam chowder, and will always order it. Always.

-Know how your significant other takes their coffee. There was a couple staying on their honeymoon and the groom ordered coffee for the morning and I was like, "Would you care for any cream or milk on the side?" and he's like, "Oh, I don't know. Babe, do you like milk in your coffee?"
This marriage will not last.

-Always tip more than you have to. Just do it.

-Talking with fake accents on the phone is important for your being.

-Don't ask strangers, "What do I want to eat?" They don't know and you won't listen to their suggestion anyway. Unless your last name is Fujiwara, in which case, you'd like the chowder.

Tuesday, March 20, 2007

It's The SECRET!!!

Have you heard about the secret yet? I watched a whole show on Oprah after the seeing promos about "The Secret" and how it's Oprah's new thing. It was basically her standing in front of her wide-eyed followers shouting, "It's THE SECRET!!!" while they screamed fanatically and some passed out. You know how at some talk shows they'll have signs light up instructing the audience to applaud? At Oprah's show the signs say "Cry" "Have a Seizure" "Scream like Someone's Killing You." Oprah has the cash flow for all three. And even in March, there's a chance it could be Oprah's Favorite Things Show, so everyone freaks out with everything she says, because at any moment, they could be getting 16 cashmere sweaters.

"The Secret" episode had me for like 3 minutes until they finally came out with it and said it all had to do with visualizing success or what you want or whatever. That you had to believe to see. OK, fine. Is that really the secret? Yes. Yes it is. And it's making millions. And millions of people are saying "The Secret" has changed their lives. Look, I'm all for positive thought, I just think it's hilarious that it's actually called "The Secret." You know the author of that whole thing was the same person who at junior high sleep-overs would be like, "You guys, I have a secret" and everyone would want to know what it was, and she wouldn't tell for hours until finally, she sat everyone down in a circle and was like, "OK, here it is. I like fruit cups."
That's not a secret. Idiot.

It's like Lance Armstrong's book, "It's Not About The Bike." Well Lance, you can't really win the Tour without one, so it is kind of about the bike.

But "The Secret" was mentioned yesterday on The View (I have a problem, I know) and it got me thinking. When I first started hearing back from agents, I was visualizing how things would play out and yet, I still hadn't heard back from the original agent who requested my work. So I'm like, "Here's a secret, that thing is lame" and I went for a run. When I got back, I checked my email, and it was from Jenny Bent, the agent I was waiting to hear from. She requested to see my rewrites meaning I'm still in the game with my book.

I called Sabrina to tell her this and she burst out laughing. "It's not the Secret!"
"Dude, I know. But still, it's a little weird, right?"

I really do think that marketing something that people can do for free is uber lame, but positive thought never killed anyone--well besides that poor woman who thought she won a helicopter on Oprah. And I'm not endorsing The Secret-- have you seen that lady?? She wears a bead on her face. All I'm saying is, I'm picturing a pony. And, if a pony happens to arrive at my door, well, then we might have something to talk about.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Stop The Madness.

Um, Syracuse not in the NCAA tourney? Are you kidding me? I mean, I'll still watch, but I won't be happy about it. I think I picked Ohio State to win it all last year, and I think I'll do the same again this year.

Is anyone else fascinated by the jump chest bump that guys do to celebrate in sports?? It seems to be the most awkward form of all social interaction. Having to guess which people like hugs/hand shakes/kiss on the cheek greetings sends me into a little bit of a panic, I can't imagine the pressure of the chest bump. I would be that one guy who just jumped into teammates for no reason.
"Dude, what the hell?!"
"Oh, sorry. I thought you were going in for the bump."

Thursday, March 08, 2007

This Is Necessary.

The dish washer at work is this guy named Tri Do and on a point scale, he is 6000 points of hilarious.
Tri highlights include:
Singing classic songs with the wrong lyrics or substituting "Be Da Bo" for the lyrics
Laughing hysterically at nothing
Sitting in the garbage pointing at people saying, "I like you job"
Kicking the air
And basically anything else that would make a normal person furrow their brow.

One of my favorite stories involves Tri standing at a bus stop, a homeless man thinking HE was homeless, and buying him a hamburger at Jack in the Box.
-Did you eat it?
-Why wouldn't you let the homeless man eat it?!
-It smelled good.

Here's the thing. Tri is actually a very successful poker player and does not need a dishwashing job. But as he says, "I work for fun." It's completely true.

The guys have been taping random clips on their phones. It gives you a small taste of what I see on the everyday.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Elevator Love Letter.

Have you ever had that dark moment during a rough bit of turbulence on a plane? Or perhaps while choking on a piece of soft pretzel? That moment you think to yourself, "This is it. This is how I go." And then that thought is followed by, "Are you effing kidding me?! THIS is how i go?!" I'm sure you have. I had one today on an elevator.

If you've seen the opening scene of "Speed" or have ridden The Tower of Terror at Disney, you can understand the panic that sets in when an elevator stops and then drops. Today at work, on my way up to the 37th floor the lift suddenly stopped and then fell down a floor. I stood frozen. And then it dropped again. You know the way small dogs look when they're cold? That was me at this moment. Not wanting to wait to see how many more floors I could drop, I pulled the stop button and a piercing alarm sounded. If it was possible, the alarm set me into more of a panic. Alarms are like that person who points out the obvious during stressful situations. "Whoa, this is really, really scary."
Yes, thank you. Idiot.

I picked up the phone and waited for security to answer. Note: Hotel Security guards are in the same category as cops on bicycles. There's an illusion of protection there, but really, who are we kidding?
-Hotel Security?
(I like how they ask.)
-Hi, I'm in the service elevator and it started to fall so I've stopped it.
-OK, please hold.
-Whoa, whoa, wait a second.
-Um, sorry, I'm a little freaked out. What should I do?
-Stay in the elevator. Please hold.

Stay in the elevator?! Jerkface!

So he placed me on hold and the standard Mandarin Oriental hold song started to play. I HATE this song. It is easily the most annoying song in the history of the world, next to the Grease megamix. It starts with flutes and works into a pipa or some other Chinese string instrument that repeats, Ding dong ding ding ding dong ding da do...forever.

This is when my dark thought entered. This is how I go?! With an alarm deafening my left ear, the hold song flute in my right, thoughts of Keanu Reeves flashing through my mind?! Are you kidding me?

The hold song broke.
-This is security, can I help you?
-Um, it's still me. The girl in the elevator, remember?
-OK, please hold.


So by this point the small space, the fear of falling 30 floors, the annoying sounds, and the genius from security had formed a panic combo supreme. I didn't have my cell phone on me but thought of who I'd call. I tried to think of things I should have done in life, but that's hard to do when your legs feel like they're made out of jell-o cups.

Ding Dong Ding Da Do Do Dee Da Do...
-Hi, Jessica?
-Oh, just one minute, I'll get her for you.
-Wait, who is this?
-It's Jessica! I'm the only one in here!!

So the voice on the other end was this lady from HR who is fantastic and I apologized immediately for yelling and explained that I was going a little crazy in there. She was cool and stayed on the line talking about everything/nothing (my 2 favorite topics) until the elevator guys arrived. So Nice! What's an appropriate thank you gift for that?

3 Things I learned from near death on an elevator:
1) When it's your time to go, try to avoid the sound of a flute.
2) Always carry something to read.
3) There is no tunnel, and there is no light. Just a vision of Keanu Reeves reaching for your hand through a ceiling panel.