Thursday, August 28, 2008

It's Like A Golden Books Title.

"I'm in a relationship for three years. His name is William, but really his name is Ratbones."


I have to say, Stella from Project Runway is really growing on me. She usually has the best line in every episode, like when she said a lot of bikers in this country watch the Olympics or when she reminds us for the 100th time that she "doesn't do this." The best part of the show this week, perhaps the best part of any reality show ever, was when Stella made a phone call to her boyfriend, Ratbones.

"Uh, guess who?"
"It's me."

People with names like Ratbones usually don't like guessing games. Remind me to tell you about the time I was paired up with a man named Snakepiss for The $10,000 Pyramid.

Anyway, I guess the two of them want to start a label together, but don't you think "Stella and Ratbones" is a name better suited for a series of children's books?
"Stella and Ratbones Make Leather Vests"
"Stella and Ratbones and the Adventures of the Bad-Ass Kitten"
"Stella and Ratbones Meet Their Biker Friends To Watch Old Kerri Strug Footage."

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

You Have A New Fridge Request.

Kevin J. O'Brien wrote an interesting article in the NYT discussing advances in home technology and the push within the consumer electronic industry to have all appliances connected to the internet--all of them. O'Brien writes, "a world in which televisions, stereos and computers — even dishwashers and refrigerators — can communicate with each other over a wireless home network."

Hmm, let's think about this for a second. Ignoring the fact that a household full of inanimate objects that can talk seems like something straight out of Pee-Wee's Playhouse (Let's get Chairy a Wii and a Wireless router), can you imagine how annoying this would be? When someone has a computer in front of them, or their Blackberry, or their iphone, it's obvious that they're not paying attention to you. And usually that's OK because you're probably texting someone else anyway and it's nice to be alone, together. But to have every appliance in your house connected to the internet and talking to each other?! You'd never get any respect. It's a binary code recipe for disaster. Oh, and you better get used to reading binary recipes because when you ask your oven to print out granny's favorite cookie recipe it's going to come out like this: "001010001010101111001010.11110001010101000010010. 100010101010010010110010. 1001010100100100 11100010010010010001110 1010110101 10101010010101 10101110."
Followed by some sort of tongue sticking out of oven emoticon.

Imagine how difficult it will be to wash the dishes or veg in front of TV when everything you own is online, meeting other appliances on e-harmony and poking things they met at Best Buy. You'll no longer be able to open the fridge to grab a beer, you'll have to send an IM request to the fridge to see if it's a good time. Every command will be typed over the internet, but because all of your appliances will be busy updating their blogs, you'll have trouble reaching them. Suddenly getting in touch with your stereo will be as difficult as tr ying to meet up with that friend you keep playing phone tag with. I give you, the future.

[Microwave Request On]: I want some tea.
Microwave: Talk to the stove.
You: No, it takes too long and I want to go to bed. Please? It'll only take a minute.
[Incoming Message from Stove]: WTF?
You: Oh, sorry. No, you know what i mean. it's just... i have to fill the kettle...wait for it to boil.
Stove: No, you know what? save it. [Stove has signed off]
You: So microwave, what's the deal?
Microwave: I'm busy.
You: It's after midnight, what are you doing?
Microwave: Looking at porn.
You: isn't porn.
Microwave: Oh yes it is.
You: You're disgusting.
[Microwave is away]

[Stereo Request On]: Hey could you play the cd i have in there.
Stereo: brb.

[TV Request On]: Show TiVo list.
TV: oh hi.
You: Show TiVo list.
TV: Oh, i should tell you that i cleared out your list to make room for all of Ken Burns's documentaries. PBS is playing them back to back.
You: You're never going to watch all those!
TV: I know, but i feel smarter just having them there.

[Incoming message from fridge]: Yo, you're going to need milk for tomorrow morning.
You: You're telling me now?!
Fridge: Sorry, lost track of time. Also, something in the vegetable drawer smells rank.
You: I'll get in in the morning.
Fridge: I'd prefer you do it now.
You: I'm going to bed, I'll throw it away in the morning.
Fridge: You suck. I hate it here. We all hate it here.
You: Is that true?
Fridge: Yes. Some of us were talking and we want to be donated to the kidney foundation
You: I think that's only for cars.
Fridge: Well then we want to be treated better around here. No more abrasive cleaning products. And Coffee-Maker deserves a day off every once in a while. It's just a respect thing.
You: Yea, OK. you're right. I'm sorry. I'll clean the drawer. Hey fridge?
Fridge: Yea?
You: Are you still running?
Fridge: Yea, of course I'm always run-- Oh, wait a minute! YOU! That gets me every time!

Monday, August 25, 2008

Ten Things To Do Before London 2012.

Well, the Olympic Games were fantastic. A 17-day exercise in having my mind blown. It all started at the Opening Ceremony where we played my new favorite game, "Are People Under Those Boxes?" (Note: My old favorite game "Hat or Hair?" is still a classic and the rules are simple. When someone with large hair or a furry type hat walks by, ask, "Hat or Hair?" The answer never really matters. If you're bright enough to ask, you win.) In China, it seems that the answer to the "Are people under Those Boxes?" question is always yes. People were under everything during that ceremony. Chinese people are the Russian Dolls of people. No country will ever top that ceremony. Ever. The organizers for London's Opening Event should just blare The Clash throughout the stadium and have Harry Potter sitting in a spotlight eating fish and chips, because to put any more effort into it would be silly.

The mind-blowing continued throughout the Games. This is a small list.

*Synchronized swimming. Did you see this?!! I mean, seriously, it's not human. Absolutely amazing considering the sport was invented at a fourth-grader's pool party after everyone got sick of making a whirlpool.

*Ping Pong (mainly because the athletes had to chase after their own balls showing the world that if it's played in your parents' garage or at the Olympics, the game doesn't change)

*The Weightlifting event I watched where the announcer described the weight one man was lifting like this: "Go grab the family next door, put the husband, the wife, the kids, all on a bar and then throw it over your head."

*All things Phelps. The kid's insane. Michael Phelps was declared a national hero, the most popular person in the world, the greatest athlete of all time, Employee of the Month, Miss America 2009, and Bob Costas went on record saying he was in love with him. I also enjoyed the personal life piece NBC put together that showed Phelps sleeping with his dog before getting up and eating cereal, playing Guitar Hero, and going to a Chinese buffet by himself. People, if that's the formula then I should be the greatest Olympian in the history of the universe.

* And two former SU rowers won medals for their countries! This one is huge. Anna Goodale brought home Gold for America and Helen Tanger gave the Netherlands Silver. When we used to run stairs for crew I remember Helen sprinting around the Dome yelling, "Two at a time for strength!" as I ran one at a time. It helps explain why she's an Olympic Silver medalist and why I seriously debated buying one of these things for my apartment.

But if I want to make it to the 2012 games as an athlete, I have to get my act together. By then I'll be 30, and that seems like my last chance, unless I want to do something like shooting because that sport's motto seems to imply that age doesn't matter. "Got A Finger? Then You Can Shoot!" (I forgot that shooting was an Olympic game but then I remembered the Winter event where people cross-country ski and stop occasionally to shoot at things. Makes sense. Because when I think skiing, I think, bring the gun.) So here's my list of things to do before 2012.

1) Stretch.
2) Research Rhythmic Gymnastic Supply Stores
3) Buy Ribbon on a stick
4) Buy leotard
5) Shuffle through ipod for ultimate floor routine song. (Note to self: Revisit Baha Men)
6) Practice waving ribbon on a stick
7) Eat Cereal
8) Play Guitar Hero
9) Eat 12,000 calories a day at Chinese buffet
10) Stretch. I know I said it twice, but it really is important.