Friday, February 15, 2008

New Look, Same Great Taste.

There was a time in my life when the introduction of a new marshmallow charm, or berry variation, or coco conversion in a breakfast cereal would have basically made my morning. That period of time ended about a year ago. A year ago the guys I worked with thought it would be a good idea to make Rice Krispie Treats with Chocolate Lucky Charms used as a main ingredient substitution.
Obviously, I thought this was brilliant.
After eating almost enough of them to cause a permanent look of pain on my face, I learned that what goes down magically delicious does not come up that way.

Since then I've taken to eating a lot of spelt or Kashi products in the morning.

Here's a timeline of the events for your reference:

I guess the only reason I bring up the Lucky Charms thing is because America has reminded me of a giant box of sugary cereal lately. Every week a new flavor or charm is introduced with hype and the media act as the cartoon characters telling us all about it.

America The Cereal! Now With Superdelegates!
Where do they get all their power? Who cares! They can vote for the Democratic candidate of their choice and change an entire election! That's what we call super! Or do we call that kingmaking? No, right, we call it super! Look for the superdelegate marshmallow cape charm in your bowl of America. If you get enough, maybe you could be the Democratic nominee! Yum!

America The Cereal! Now With More Shameless Lies!
Have you ever wanted to know what lying under oath tastes like? It tastes good! When you can't make it to Congress to lie about drug use in baseball, but still have a craving, reach for America The Cereal. Covered in self-preservation, a lack of integrity, and misremembering, you'll really notice all the extra lies we've packed into every box. Raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth. These frosted little fibs are tasty!

America The Cereal! Helps Lower Economic Value!
High Cholesterol? A few extra pounds? Well, we can't help you with that. But studies have shown that replacing 2 meals a day with America the cereal can help lower your overall worth after two economic quarters. Some call it recession, we call it delicious! Housing crisis, oil prices, negative job growth, and a weak dollar (Hey dollar, talk to Major League Baseball--We'll get you strong in just a few butt injections) all combine to form a crunchy cluster of goodness. Kids say, "my cereal tastes sad!" And mothers agree. Sad cereal! Cool!

And don't forget to look for the prize! No, not in the box, silly! It's falling from the sky! That's right. For a limited time only, America The Cereal, in a joint effort with NASA and the American Military will offer you the chance to have a piece of the disabled spy satellite that is currently hurling toward earth! Nothing says "spy" quite like a bus-size satellite crashing through the atmosphere! Send two proofs of purchase along with a SASE and $4.95 s/h fee for a piece of the destroyed mass that we will attempt to shoot out of space! No purchase necessary. Void in AK and HA.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Lacks Direction.

While stopped at a red light the other day my friends and I noticed two guys dancing with large signs. Each sign said, "OPEN HOUSE" and below that there was a huge arrow. The kids must have also been jugglers or something like that because they kept whipping the signs around in a circlular motion-- behind their backs, over their heads, through their legs-- it was crazy.

So we were sitting at the light sort of in awe of the spinning signs and my friend goes, "I'm confused. Which way are you supposed to go for the open house?"

Life is funny, right?
Looking at a sign with a giant arrow and still wondering, this way?

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Strip Club.

I think I'm going to start a comic strip called "Blank Stare" based solely on the things I hear my father say.

The only problem with a comic strip is that I can't draw. So I'm simply going to use a dialogue bubble for each frame and then the last frame of every comic will be a photograph of my blank stare. Can it be considered a comic if you never actually draw? I can sketch a very convincing tree and sometimes a bug, so maybe I'll include those off to the corner of the dialogue bubbles and it can be like looking for the scroll in the Waldo books. People love stuff like that.

OK, so I haven't taken the time to actually put these ideas into comic strip form yet, nor have I taken a picture of my blank stare. I've literally just come up with the idea, give me a minute. But like I said, each frame is a talking bubble, last frame is a picture of a blank stare. It's not hard to visualize. And maybe try to imagine a little tree floating around somewhere.

Frame 1: Jackie Chan. Remember him? He's dead.
Frame 2: Jackie Chan's not dead.
Frame 3: Oh, good.
Frame 4: Blank Stare.

Frame 1: Well, Oprah threw that huge party for Obama a while ago.
Frame 2: Oh, really? Are they in love?
Frame 3: Blank Stare.

Frame 1: Think I'll have my sandwich on a roll because that's how I roll. Get it?
Frame 2: Yea.
Frame 3: No, wait. I'm going to have it on a pita. That's how I roll. Get it?
Frame 4: Blank Stare.

For this next one it might be helpful to know that my parents live in Monroe County.

Frame 1: Deb, who was that guy from that Fantasy Island show in the 70's?
Frame 2: Ricardo Montalban?
Frame 3: Yes! Monroe Countybalm.
Frame 4: Blank Stare.

For this last one it might be helpful to know that my father saw Napoleon Dynamite for the first time a few months ago. And I feel like I'll want to use this comic like five times, because that's how many times it's been used as a message on my phone.

Frame 1: Jess, it's dad. Call me back you stupid llama.
Frame 2: Blank Stare.

Monday, February 04, 2008

Hillary's On The Phone. Does Anyone Want To Say Hello?

My mom used to do this great thing when talking to electronic voices on the phone. All we ever heard was her side of the conversation that went something like, "Oh, Hi Stacy. Well, your calls are important to me too. Oh no, I never mind. How are your kids by the way? Oh boy, I know what that's like."

Eventually one of us would ask, "Who's on the phone?" and my mother would answer in a whisper, "It's Stacy. She's very busy," before pressing the speakerphone button and letting us in on the joke. As The Girl from Ipanema played over the phone Deb continued the fake conversation. "Stacy, I noticed before that you were speaking in Spanish. I take it you decided to visit Madrid after all."

Stuff like that always got a laugh out of me.

So today the phone rang and the caller ID said, "Friends of Hillary Clinton."
Hey, nice of them to call.

-Please hold for an important message from our friend.
-What's the deal, yo? Haven't heard from you fools in forever. Thought we were meeting up for Super Bowl.
-Hi, I'm Hillary Clinton.
-Hillary! Hills Bills! Hillaryous! What up, girl? I was just saying something to your buddy about Super Bowl. But Super Tuesday's more your slice of pie, right?
-Elections...I'll vote vote...
-Hey, is Bill there? He was sort of ruining your campaign there for a hot minute, huh? Tell him I say holler. vote vote...
-Aiight, I actually have to run. I'll call you soon though. No, really. Let's do brunch or something. Ok. You too, bye.

Hmm. I should probably get a job soon.

But how great would it be to come home to a bunch of voicemail if Hillary left pre-recorded messages that were like, "Hi, this is Hillary Clinton. I'm at the mall and my car won't start. Can you pick me up? Hello?... Are you there?... Hello?" And then called back and left another pre-recorded message that said, "Hi, it's me again. Still at the mall. If you're there pick up."

It'd be hard not to vote for that.