Friday, February 15, 2008

New Look, Same Great Taste.

There was a time in my life when the introduction of a new marshmallow charm, or berry variation, or coco conversion in a breakfast cereal would have basically made my morning. That period of time ended about a year ago. A year ago the guys I worked with thought it would be a good idea to make Rice Krispie Treats with Chocolate Lucky Charms used as a main ingredient substitution.
Obviously, I thought this was brilliant.
After eating almost enough of them to cause a permanent look of pain on my face, I learned that what goes down magically delicious does not come up that way.

Since then I've taken to eating a lot of spelt or Kashi products in the morning.

Here's a timeline of the events for your reference:

I guess the only reason I bring up the Lucky Charms thing is because America has reminded me of a giant box of sugary cereal lately. Every week a new flavor or charm is introduced with hype and the media act as the cartoon characters telling us all about it.

America The Cereal! Now With Superdelegates!
Where do they get all their power? Who cares! They can vote for the Democratic candidate of their choice and change an entire election! That's what we call super! Or do we call that kingmaking? No, right, we call it super! Look for the superdelegate marshmallow cape charm in your bowl of America. If you get enough, maybe you could be the Democratic nominee! Yum!

America The Cereal! Now With More Shameless Lies!
Have you ever wanted to know what lying under oath tastes like? It tastes good! When you can't make it to Congress to lie about drug use in baseball, but still have a craving, reach for America The Cereal. Covered in self-preservation, a lack of integrity, and misremembering, you'll really notice all the extra lies we've packed into every box. Raise your right hand and swear to tell the truth. These frosted little fibs are tasty!

America The Cereal! Helps Lower Economic Value!
High Cholesterol? A few extra pounds? Well, we can't help you with that. But studies have shown that replacing 2 meals a day with America the cereal can help lower your overall worth after two economic quarters. Some call it recession, we call it delicious! Housing crisis, oil prices, negative job growth, and a weak dollar (Hey dollar, talk to Major League Baseball--We'll get you strong in just a few butt injections) all combine to form a crunchy cluster of goodness. Kids say, "my cereal tastes sad!" And mothers agree. Sad cereal! Cool!

And don't forget to look for the prize! No, not in the box, silly! It's falling from the sky! That's right. For a limited time only, America The Cereal, in a joint effort with NASA and the American Military will offer you the chance to have a piece of the disabled spy satellite that is currently hurling toward earth! Nothing says "spy" quite like a bus-size satellite crashing through the atmosphere! Send two proofs of purchase along with a SASE and $4.95 s/h fee for a piece of the destroyed mass that we will attempt to shoot out of space! No purchase necessary. Void in AK and HA.


julie said...


i love your timeline. i want a timeline.

Jess said...

you just gave me an idea, smalls!

also, how the hell are you?