Monday, March 03, 2008

Careful, This Plate Is Hot.

We've seen it a thousand times. The server arrives at your table holding a steaming hot dish of whatever and tries to speak through a burning-hand-grimace. "This plate is very very hot. Please enjoy."

The server turns to grab the pepper mill and some idiot at your table moves the dish. "Ow, that's hot."

This is usually the same person who boasts of his/her tolerance to spice. "I love spicy food!" And then three bites into the Vindaloo shouts, "Gahhhk, too spicy!"

These people are related to the, "Yes, I can drink a gallon of milk in one sitting" folks, the, "Punch me as hard as you can" clan, and the, "I bet that paint's not still wet" posse. (To be fair, we're all in that posse. A "wet paint" sign is a magnet for fingertips. What are we all trying to prove?)

I think about these types of people and wonder what their family get-togethers must look like. Probably just a regular BBQ with a lot of exclamations of "Shit!" "Ouch" "Crap!" "OK, let's go again!"

I've never had much tolerance for dares and the "Jackass" phenomenon escaped me on every level. Doing something ridiculous on purpose makes no sense to me. I do stupid stuff by accident all the time. To go out of my way to plan my foolishness would require far too much energy. If I wait long enough, it'll probably happen on its own. I remember playing the board game Girl Talk as a kid and on all the dares I'd look at everyone and be like, "Now why would I do that? Five minutes from now by some unfortunate series of events, my underwear probably will be over my pajamas anyway. I'll take my chances. Oh, the zit sticker? Yea, that's fine, I'll just use it to hide this real zit."

But there's something interesting about the human condition when it comes to experiencing things for ourselves. It's sort of a, "Thank you LeVar, I believe I won't take your word for it" mentality as we all reach for the plate we're told not to touch.

Taser guns have sort of become the scotch bonnet peppers of contests to see what people can endure. Why are people so eager to volunteer to see what this feels like? I'll bet you a dollar it hurts. People don't line up on TV to get paper cuts, why do they think it's a good plan to be shot with a taser? Just take the zit sticker and sit it out, you'll thank me later.

Anyway, I was watching 60 Minutes last night and caught this report about a new military device called a Ray-Gun. It sends out intense bursts of heat and the Pentagon hopes to use it to get rid of crowds in a nonviolent way. I thought perhaps the reporter would stand in the line of fire once, to describe what it felt like, but honestly, he did it like 20 times.

All I wanted to do was yell, The plate is hot, idiot.
Also, I like how he shows up to his investigative report with plywood and a twin mattress, just in case.


ness said...

um, hilarious. Speaking of girl talk, love the zit sticker reference, but you must be referring to playing at someone else's house because we always found some way of losing the most important peice to any game in the game closet. We no longer had stickers so resulted to using red markers....hmm, not smart. Seriously tho, dont break the ice with no ice to break...mouse trap with no traps...dream phone with no phone. Where the hell did these things go?!

Jess said...

Dude, most of the pieces were probably taken for various school assignments. i know for a fact i used at least 3 different game boards to make English-class projects. Whenever I play Monopoly I have to hold back asking to be Miss Havisham and settle for the top hat.

OK, truth be told, I slowly took important pieces over the years to create the ultimate game. Using the credit card machine from Electronic Mall Madness, the pop-o-matic thing from Trouble, all of the pepperoni slices from Pizza Party, and Maria's face piece from Guess Who?, I think I've finally got it. It's played on the Twister mat and the first person to fill a car with pegs wins.

There are a lot of rules, I'll go over them later.

Anonymous said...

JezDog, you are hilarious. Although, admittedly, I think I'd qualify as a hot plate toucher. I recently gave myself 2nd degree burns as part of a "game".

- 1/3 of the cinematic geniuses that created a film about a dude getting ready to marry his dead girlfriend. I don't even remember what we titled that gem but I know it was a blockbuster.

Jess said...

holy crap! Devine??
few things:

1) how the hell are you?

2) that's the funniest thing ever about the movie. i honestly can't remember what it was called either. but come on, it was effing amazing. the crash scene? classic. (cue scream. fade to black. crash soundfx.)

3) boom mic in the frame is good.

4) don't stress about being a hot plate toucher. i'm in a lower class--dessert tray poker. i was out to eat once and just assumed all the desserts on the tray were fake. so when the waiter came around with them i was like, "Are these fake?" [poke.] finger through a cheesecake. you can't just shake that off.

Anonymous said...

1) I'm doing well, thank you. According to my parole officer--I am on track to becoming a functioning member of society.

2) I think in the midst of a PTSD nightmare about that project, I recalled it had something to do with "'till death do us part"

3) Also good is the memory of you waking our lead actor from some drug/alcohol induced coma and trying to convince him he should put some clothes on and help us with our project.

4) I actually think you are supposed to poke your finger into desserts, to see if they are ripe yet. I think you can also shake them.

Jess said...


Trying to get that kid out of bed should have been our film. Maybe one of the funniest experiences of my life. trying to get his roommates (who were grilling sausage in the driveway at 8 in the morning) to let me in their house was a real treat too.
"is andrew here?"
"do you want sausage?"
"i'm good thanks. can i go in and get andrew?"
"Hey, he's our roommate!"

i swear I got him to get out of bed 3 different times, and he closed the door promising to get dressed, only to go back to bed. it would have made a great short as long as we found a way to work your minivan into it.