Dear Abby

It's disappointing that my favorite part of the paper, the daily Sudoku puzzle, is positioned right next to the Dear Abby column. I hate Dear Abby. She's an idiot. Just like her friends Ms. Manners and Hints from Heloise, she has nothing valuable to say.
Heloise actually might be the worst. Her 'hints' are always blatantly obvious. "When traveling, use your cellphone alarm clock as an alarm clock." Really, Heloise? A clock as a clock? Thanks for the tip!
Idiot.
But today's Dear Abby headline was good enough to pull me away from the 4-star Sudoku.
"CAKE IN FACE ISN'T THAT FUNNY"
I furrowed my brow and thought out loud, um...yes it is.
The Dear Abby letters as follows are real. I've replaced Abby's responses with my own because I hate her.


Dear Abby: The letter you printed from "Dismayed Grandmother" in Laredo, Texas, brought back memories. I couldn't have been more than 8, and it was my father's birthday. There were flowers on his birthday cake and he said to me, "Smell the flowers. Go ahead, smell them!" I hesitated, but he insisted, so I bent over the cake to smell the flowers and he pushed my face into the frosting.
I am 72, and still remember how it felt to be deceived and humiliated by my father. My father thought he was being funny. Instead he lost his daughter's love and trust."
-Wishes He Hadn't In San Diego

Dear Wishes He Hadn't: I don't know what I find more amusing. A 64-year grudge over frosting, or the visual of an elderly woman's face being pushed into cake. Either way, thanks for writing.

Dear Abby: You missed the boat on the face-in-the-birthday-cake letter. Here in Mexico it is common--nay, usual--for the birthday boy or girl to have his or her face pushed into the cake. It is usually when the person's face is near the cake that someone standing behind him or her pushes their face into it.
I assume that's what happened at the party the grandmother attended, since it was from Laredo, Texas, which is on the border with Mexico. I personally do not enjoy being pushed into the cake, and yes, some kids do cry when it happens. But it's all done in fun, and I believe it's important to be a good sport about it.
-Robin in Mexico City

Dear Robin: We Americans often forget the important contributions Mexico has made to Birthday celebrations. Be it piñatas, tequila, illegal immigration, or face in the cake, Mexico has given us many an awkward memory. muchos gracias!
Also, you raise a good point about sportsmanship. Many cultures teach children about fair play by shoving their faces into dessert or pastry before games. In this year's winter Olympics, a member of Italy's bobsled team was unable to compete due to injuries sustained after having her face rammed into a box of frozen cannolis.
There's a lesson there, and Mexican's get it.

Dear Abby: Birthday parties shouldn't involve tears, and it's a shame that the boy's celebration was spoiled by this tradition. The hosts of the party should have better prepared the child for the event.
-Amy In Cedar Rapids, Iowa.

Dear Amy: Thank you for the letter. I agree.
In the months leading up to a child's birthday, parents should push his/her face into all their meals for practice. However, my friend Heloise has hinted that until the skin has worked up a tolerance to extreme heats, stews and hardy soups should be avoided.