could this BE more american?

Read an article a few days ago about recent studies showing a significant side effect of Ambien, the best selling sleeping pill in the US. It turns out, many people develop an eating disorder and sleepwalk into their kitchens making tons of snacks, and then head back to bed without realizing it. In one case, a woman gained 100 pounds before realizing the drug might have something to do with it. sorry, 100 freakin pounds??! around 40lbs, wouldn't she start to think, 'hey, i can't wear pants anymore. and why is the kitchen so messy in the morning? i live alone.'
In another case, a woman was found at different times making bacon and eggs in the night, heating the oven and eating sandwiches. people, she wasn't awake! "hey, what's for dinner? i don't know, let me go to sleep and i'll whip something up."
Only Americans could have side effects with such a strong lazy/gluttonous combo. i wish they'd give ambien to japanese people and see what happens. They'd all be making more fuel efficient cars and impressive origami in the wee hours of the night.
oh, america. we spend millions of dollars to fall asleep and wake up fatter. This is just the sort of thing i think the pilgrims hoped for on their voyage to the new world. Escape religious persecution and make eggs at 2 in the morning with your eyes closed.
Few people know this, but the first thanksgiving dinner took place after one of the native people gave everyone an Ambien. No one would have known about it had it not been for the brilliant sketch talents of a young Pocahontas. The next day when people saw the drawings, they agreed to try it awake.
That's true.
But the story does not end well, i'm afraid, for poor Pocahontas. After seeing her abilities, her people used her as a cariciture artist and she was never allowed to leave. That's why in every depiction we have today of Native Americans, they are seen riding bikes or playing beach volleyball.