I'm not well

So I'm a horrible hypochondriac. It's bad. As soon as people mention illness, my eyes get itchy and I start to feel sick. I'd like to think it's because I'm so sympathetic, but, let's be real.
Without going into too much detail, there was a time I was almost positive I had contracted AIDS from a hot fudge sundae. Me and Nessa were on a road trip and stopped at a McDonalds in Georgia (if you can avoid it, never eat McDonalds. And unless life depends on it, never stop in Georgia). Long story short, we had been driving through the night, little sleep is no good for my imagination, and I thought my sundae had AIDS.
As we were driving out of Georgia and i was still freaking out Nessa goes, "Fine. Tomorrow we'll go to Planned Parenthood and when they ask you why you want an AIDS test just say it's very likely you contracted it from a hot fudge sundae."
That was enough to snap me back to reality,
But now that she's all med-school it's bad news bears for my craziness. I'll call with the most random questions and she'll calmly explain why it's not possible for me to have testicular cancer and I'll hang up relieved.
From our conversation the other day:
-hey, what's lymphoma?
-You don't have lymphoma.
-Well, what it is? Cuz I've heard if you have it you start to swell up and your ankles like fold over you feet.
-stop. stop. did you watch True Life?

And there it was. She caught me. There was a TrueLife MTV doc about weight gain, 'True Life: I weigh a lot' or something and i saw it recently. Every time they showed this woman who had lymphoma my eyes darted to my ankles to make sure they were OK. Her poor ankles, ooooh man. Not good. they had honestly swelled like 15times the normal size. and she kept putting socks on. All i could do was yell at the TV, "could you please not put the socks on!"
If you've seen it, you know.
Um, yeah.
On a semi-related note, thesmokinggun.com recently posted a memo from the casting director of Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. The memo, distributed to ABC affiliates, basically asked to look for very specific diseases that would add to the emotional factor of the show. One of them included a rare disorder where children cannot feel pain.
um, what?
I looked it up, and it's true.
It's called CIPA and it disrupts nerve fibers so that kids can't feel pain.
Sorry, but just because little jonny can fall down a flight of stairs and not know it hurts, doesn't really mean he should get a pool and a 60inch plasma. We should be doing something to get ankles some new Kenmore appliances. Or maybe a new sectional for that poor girl who got herpes from her 99cent Jr. Frosty.