Tuesday, December 14, 2010

When Life Gives You Lemons.

When we arrived in NYC late Friday night for my little sister's birthday weekend, Nessa and Andrea had a living room picnic waiting for us. The only possible way to make wine and appetizers with your favorite people even more fun is to throw down a blanket and serve everything picnic style. I was so ridiculously happy.

Clearing some space on the blanket for a large gift box, Andrea surprised me by saying she had a belated birthday present for me. The girl's got a sense of humor that totally appeals to me so I smiled wondering what sort of joke gift waited inside. 
She didn't disappoint. This is what I found. 

It was a Buddha Hand and a remote. The gift that keeps on giving.

Andrea: Do you know what that is?!!
Me: It's like a lemon, right?
Andrea: How did you know that? The woman at the grocery store was like, 'How am I supposed to ring this up?'

Anyway, we got a good laugh out of it and the next morning when we were heading out to brunch, Andrea stopped me at the door and said, "Don't forget your lemon!" She had fashioned a leash out of a belt and asked me to walk it down the street. "You know what they say. When life gives you a lemon, put it on a belt and walk it."

It was an excellent point. So I did.

There is no way for me to accurately describe the public response to the lemon on a leash. People were appalled. Seriously. I received so many dirty looks, people in cafes shook their heads at me and glared, parents held their children tighter to them, and dog owners pulled their buddies on leashes away from mine. At least six different people asked me if it was an octopus, to which I replied, "Yes. Yes it is." 

Sabrina's been having a lot of fun with the fact that so many people have been calling me "sir" lately, and she came running up to me laughing saying she overhead someone say, "That guy is walking an alien."

One woman stopped and asked to pet it. Only one older couple knew it was a lemon and asked me if I was making a statement. 
Me: No, just walking it.
Andrea: When life hands you lemons...
And then the two older people burst out laughing before walking away. 

At one point, Brina started screaming and pointed to a Food Emporium truck stopped at a red light that had two giant Buddha hands on it. What are the chances? I ran over to the truck, holding my leashed Buddha hand up to the driver, smiling like an idiot. He just waved flatly. Is it possible he gets that a lot? 

Anyway, it was a nice New York moment. Thanks, A.


Brina said...

I laughed harder this day than I had all year long. You are incredible, Jess.

MFB said...

Seriously. Loved "Don't walk over the grate!"

Carpe Picnic!!

~Stephanie said...

Hysterical. I really don't get why you don't have a book deal yet. Didn't David Sedaris sell millions of copies of "When Engulged in Flames?" Your writing is just as funny and YOU HAVE PICTURES. And yes, I just compared you to Sedaris.

andrea aka aka said...

confucius (or was it sarah silverman) once said, and it an adage that has withstood the test of time from generation to generation.. "When G-d gives you AIDS - and G-d does give you AIDS, by the way - make lemonAIDS."

jess, last weekend, g-d did not just give us aids, (s)he gave us much, much more. (s)he gave us a 28 (or was it 50?) legged lemon, and out of this lemon we squeezed happiness. (s)he also gave us a remote, youtube animal videos, danny's face in oldschool photos, stores that are not actually going out of business, a restaurant that stank of fish, a man who thought he knew exactly how much time remained in an improvised drum solo, two amazingly strong sisters who stood up for what was right and a third who pretended to be the bar manager, danny, gluten free pizza, and a silver cup.

if i may get sappy for a moment... vanessa was so sad when she thought you guys weren't coming in, and the idea that you made the trip when you had to rush back, and just the whole ability to be together, was so, so meaningful - it was really neat to see that her most happy reaction to any birthday gift was excitement to be with her sisters. i really felt like i was with family and i can't tell you all how infinitely grateful i am for that. (maybe the german language has a 78 letter word for the feeling - i can't think of any in english) i think meredith said it best when she said that the 3 of you honestly could be triplets. the energy and joie de vivre that is borne when the 3 martin sisters come together is remarkably special, ive never experienced anything like it, it's infectious and pretty much a guarantee for a lot of laughter and unforgettable memories. last weekend was one of the top in my life, the other being the miami trip.

im making tee shirts that say on the front "when life gives you a lemon..." and then on the back "put it on a belt and walk it". and then in fine print: "i put a lemon on a leash and all i got was this tee-shirt, and a lemon on a leash." and it will be attached to a dollar bill's umbrella hat and also a cane that is attached to a buddha lemon.

Jess said...

whoa, Stephanie. that's like the nicest comment ever. Thank you so freaking much! did you self-publish?

Andrea, you almost just made me cry. alllmost.
two things:
1) I want that t-shirt.
2) Three.

just kidding, i stole that from danny. ps. i love him.
his reaction to seeing that you both put dogs in the dancing elf clip was one of my favorite things about life.

It was SO good seeing you guys!!! Thanks again for everything! Also, I've used that fake cigarette trick to get in and out of like 35 different jazz clubs since that night. I love me some jazz clubs.

ChocolateTPot said...

Honestly, you make me laugh so much :D So glad I happened across your blog in English class!