Massage Received.

For Christmas Meredith gave me a gift certificate for an hour long full body massage. She's asked me every week since if I'd like her to call and schedule it. 

-This week?

-No, I'm going to save it until I really need it.

-This week?

-No, maybe next week.

-This week?

-No, I had Indian Buffet on Tuesday and I don't really want anyone pressing on me.

So when I saw that I had a rare Saturday off last weekend, she didn't even think to ask. 

"I booked our massages. You're going."

You know the way you feel when your bath is filling up? That's how I felt for a week. I was calmly ecstatic for 60-minutes of total relaxation. Clear head, loosened shoulders, inner tranquility, not a worry in the world for one whole hour.

Right. 

People, let's be honest. I'm a bit of a mess. When I begin to approach moments of inner tranquility, I start to panic that I left my iron plugged in. When I clear my head I focus on my heart beats and swear that I can hear a murmur. And when I relax any part of my body, I walk into things. Luckily, I would be laying down for the massage so there wasn't any danger there but I definitely pictured myself rolling off the table. 

Mer booked a couples massage, which you would think would be incredibly romantic, but I quickly ruined that by begging her to wake me up if I started to drift off and talk in my sleep. 

Before entering the spa, I kept asking, "You promise? You promise? You promise?"

Waiting in the lobby we noticed a "Getting to Know Your Masseuse" book. It was basically a general questionnaire that the different massage therapists filled out. 

Meredith read all about my massage therapist for me like she was reading my horoscope.

Mer: Her healing philosophy is to work from the inside out.

Me: That sounds incredibly painful.

Mer: And her favorite massage modality is chair massage.

Me: What?! Chair massage?! Doesn't the chair do all the work in a chair massage? 

We were called in and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up the way they do when I know I'm about to start laughing inappropriately. I don't know why, but I had the biggest urge to burst out laughing. Maybe it was because of the soft soothing tone of voice everyone was using, or the music, or the fact that I'm seven years old. 

They led us to our room and each of them started talking to us individually. When they left so we could change Mer asked, "What did yours say to you?"

For as bright as she is, my girlfriend is extremely gullible, so I said, "Well, we talked a little bit about her 'from the inside out' healing philosophy and I just asked that she not put her hands inside my mouth or my butt."

"You did NOT say that."

"Mm hmm. I did. And then she told me to take off my underwear and get under the blanket."

"You're supposed to leave your underwear on! She did not--"

And then it registered.

They knocked on the door and our hour-long massage began. It seriously was awesome. My massage therapist had a little bit of a sniffle though so I concentrated on that for about 7 minutes. When I told Meredith about it afterwards she said, "Yeah I saw her go across the room to blow her nose." The only thing is, I never actually felt a stop to my massage. So of course I started to think, "Then who the hell was massaging me while she was on the other side of the room?"

I felt totally relaxed and it was really nice to be pampered. I'm also happy to report that I didn't fall off the table. Thanks again, Mer!