Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Is one of us supposed to be a dog in this scenario?

I try to never talk about my personal life at work for 2 reasons:
1) I can talk about it on the internet.
2) When the guys at my old job heard I was gay I started to get a lot of dog-eared magazines left in my office whenever Ellen Degeneres was interviewed for an article.

So unless I'm asked, I usually never bring it up. But this was an exchange I had with a coworker I just met for the first time yesterday:
Coworker: So you're gay, right?
Me: Sorry?
Coworker: You're a lesbian?
Me: Oh. Yeah. 
Coworker: Thought so. A dog can smell another dog. 
Then she punched my arm before walking away.

I'm pretty sure my life is being filmed for the purposes of a hidden camera show.


Macnabbs said...

What? What? What does that even MEAN? 'A dog can smell another dog'? Yea, I know how they normally do it too and that is NOT acceptable behaviour in the workplace...and neither is punching somebody on the arm. Surely the natural reaction when somebody does that is to go 'ouch, hey you b***h! and grab her hair for a full-on WWF rummmmmmmmble!

All very odd. Unless you work in some sort of pro sports team. Or are a Nascar driver.

What really puzzles me though is how the articles featuring Ellen Degeneres GET dog-eared in the first place. Do people finish them then think: no...there's something here I'm just not getting. She's rich and famous so I should have enjoyed this more. Maybe if I re-read it. 18 times.

Next time somebody punches your arm, let them have it Tom and Jerry stylee with a frying pan to the face and bellow 'SPANG!'

Dog indeed. Tut.

Yessica said...

So, were you like the "token lesbian" at your job before arm-puncher showed up? (Isn't it fun being a "token"? I got to be "token cheesehead" at all my California jobs...) From now on, whenever someone invites arm-puncher out to lunch, they'll probably be like, "wait, shouldn't we also invite the 'other one'?"

Yup, just like that episode of Sex and the City when Charlotte tries hooking up Anthony & Stanford...

Maybe you should start to dog-ear really random stuff and leave it around the office in retaliation...adverts for Paxil...

Jess said...

Macnabbs- Exactly! The 'What?!' reaction was my exact response. For the rest of the day my face switched from furrowed brow, trying to figure out what the hell she was talking about, to a ridiculous grin when I was about to burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the situation.

And yes, I'm a Nascar driver.

Jessica- "shouldn't we invite the other one?"
that. is. HILARIOUS.
Also, if you haven't thought of putting the phrase "Token Cheesehead" onto a line of t-shirts, you should really get on that.

Yessica said...

Ooooh good idea! Actually, we should have an entire e-retail site dedicated to "token" products: mugs, shirts, cubicle art, etc. all with customizable "I'm the token ______". Just like the Onion has mugs that say "Area Man", instead you can have a mug proclaiming your status as special person at your workplace like "Token Pothead" or "Token Cheesehead" or "Token Communist" get the idea.

Jess said...

Yeah, I'm loving this idea.

When it really takes off and becomes a household name, we can sell token tokens--which will just be little souvenir tokens that say "Token Token" on them.
And when people see them they'll be like, "Hey, is that a Token Token token? Cool!"

If you say token enough, it sort of starts to blow your mind.

Tania said...

I WANT A TOKEN SHIRT! but i have so many token "titles" to choose from ...hmmm - dog, Spanish, a woman, short, loud etc

Tell arm-puncher is not nice to sniff people's #$%&! (Does she bark when she greets people at work?)

token token token token token token token token token....

PS. you were right! BOOM!!!

Jess said...

Tania i have you pre-ordered for a small "Token Salchipapas" t-shirt.