Saturday, December 30, 2006


Do you believe in fate? That moment that timing and opportunity come together for a high five? Yeah, i like to think i believe in that. But then i go and ruin it.
So the book is done. I've been researching literary agents, preparing query letters and getting everything set to send out. Brought my work into work today to go over the letters one last time and as i'm unpacking all my envelopes and sample chapters, i'm browsing through the VIP list and see "Douglas Coupland: Wallpaper Magazine." hmm, weird. I wonder if that's Douglas Coupland, the author. It's very possible he writes for Wallpaper--he does everything else. So after some sleuthing, I realize it's him. So cut to me freaking out.
Me to Erik: Dude, don't you think that's a little weird? I have all my query letters just sitting here, samples of my work, and Douglas Coupland is HERE!
Erik: Who?
Me: Douglas Coupland! He's this insanely talented writer! Do you think he would look over my letters?
Erik: That guy orders coffee like it's going out of style.
Me: Awesome! When he orders, I'm going up. I'm just going to say, "Hello Mr. Coupland, I love your books. May I pour you a cup of coffee? And excuse me, but can you make a girl's life and read over this query letter?"
Erik: Yeah, OK.
Me: Or maybe I should just leave it by the coffee, and as he's enjoying the joe he'll notice it. "Hey, what's this? This isn't a napkin! This is a manuscript! Open Eyed Sneeze? Gosh, that's clever. Let me read this over." And then he'll call Room Service and want to talk with me and he'll call his agent straight away and say, "Simonoff, I think this girl's got something here. And damn, she makes a great cup of coffee."
Erik: Yeah, OK. You can bring up his coffee.

So I sit around doing nothing for 5 hours waiting for this guy to order and change my life. I shouldn't say "doing nothing." I was, of course, planning out how the entire conversation would go. Anticipating anything he could possibly say, and plotting out my subtle responses so that they wouldn't sound rehearsed.
But still, no orders.
Finally I'm thinking, that's it. I'm just going to go up to his room with a bottle of wine and say, "Excuse me Mr. Coupland, I have an amenity from the hotel for you." and once I'm in the room, opening the wine, THEN i'll bring up my book. Good. But what if he doesn't drink? He likes coffee, you could bring coffee. But what if he's sick of coffee by now? Ice Cream! Yes! Everyone loves a sundae! Good. No wait, but then he'll want me to get the hell out of his room so he can eat it before it melts. Hmm, the wine is good. Opening the wine gives us time to talk. Or maybe I could bring the fixings for a salad in and say, "Hello Mr. Coupland, I'm here to prepare a salad for you. It's an amenity we offer. This will only take 20 minutes or so. But while I'm chopping these organic ingredients, let's shoot the shit."
No, go with the wine.

By this point I've had 300 imaginary conversations with this man. Sadly, they all end with him giving me a puzzled look saying that he didn't order wine.

I didn't go up.
I'm hoping that a few years from now, I'll be at a party with Doug (that's what I'll call him) and we'll laugh about this. I'm hoping I won't be serving him his coffee at this party.


juliet said...

oh jessica, i wish we could hang out for new years because i miss you. and the hold fate thing isn't working out for me either. my charmed life is no longer charmed, my mother predicted this.

juliet said...