Thursday, May 18, 2006

Open. Now Tell Me the Story of Your Life.

Went to the dentist yesterday. Scheduled teeth cleanings really highlight how fast time flies. Wasn't I just here? Yes, six months ago. Really? Yes. Wow, that went fast. I have that same exchange every time I go. I like to get a little conversation in with the receptionist before heading to the chair where I will be reduced to the noises I can make from the back of my mouth.
I have a theory that everyone in the medical profession gathers once a year for a convention to discuss new ways to make patients look ridiculous. Past years honors have gone to:
-The rubber mallet used to test reflexes. This is just a way for doctors to hit you with things and see how you'll react. It in no way has anything to do with reflexes.
-The paper crop top. It's like the paper dress but it's just a top. NOTE: once at the dermatologist I was told to put this on, and I thought it was a gown so I took off my pants and tried going leg first through the sleeve. And when the doctor knocked on the door, I was like, "holy shit! She's looking at my neck! Why are my pants off?!" and started screaming at her not to come in. The paper top won that year because of that story.
And i'm sure when Nessa becomes a doctor she'll win based on something to do with a physio ball.
But undoubtedly, top honors go to dentists every year for the new ways they find to increase the awkwardness of a visit.
When I went in yesterday, my regular dentist wasn't there. I was greeted by a man named Art. "Hi, I'm Art" was his exact introduction. No Dr. or hygienist mention, just a guy named Art there to brush and floss my teeth. Ok, whatever.
So Art followed all of the regular dentist tricks. Tilting the chair back until you are almost completely vertical upside-down, shining the bright light directly into your eyes, putting the spit sucker in before he's even ready to do anything. Check, check, check. But he got bonus points for offering music.
"Would you like some music?"
And with this he turned on a little cd player, right next to my face which blasted tango music for 25 minutes. I'm not kidding. Having your teeth cleaned to an accordion playing adds a certain amount of festivity, although I couldn't help but think Art was using this as a potential presentation for the convention.
So with spit sucker, water gun, and toothbrush all in mouth he begins the questioning. WHY must they do this? If you want to be close to people's heads and get to know them, cut hair. Don't put things in my mouth, namely one that sucks spit, and then ask me to dish.
-So Jessica, do you live in SF
-Ah Haaa.
-Were you born here?
-Oh no? Where are you from originally?
-AH hay hu hooor
-Oh i love upstate in the fall.
Jesus Art, you're good.
But they don't give toothbrushes anymore which kind of bums me out. Art said if I wanted I could keep the paper bib. FYI, you don't need to take your pants off for that one either. God, they could let you know ahead of time.

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