I had some time to kill before catching a movie last night so I decided to hang around Borders for a bit. Picked out a few books to skim through and looked for the audio book aisle. Always make my way to the audio book aisle in bookstores when i just want to read for a minute, because i've never actually seen people buy audio books from a bookstore. It seems to me that you wouldn't go to a bookstore to browse through audio books. If you're looking for a book on tape, you probably know what book you want, right? I don't know people who listen to books, so maybe that's not how it is, but the aisles always seem dead, so you figure it out. I was happy to see one of those stepping stools in the aisle. Don't you love how anything low to the ground is considered seating in a bookstore? Including the ground? A bookstore is the only place outside of a yoga class where you can see 35 adults sitting indian style.
So i'm sitting on the stool reading, and I overhear the people in the Art books aisle talking about their art classes.
student 1: I loooove just drawing squares. you know, like really drawing them.
me (thinking): shut up, please.
student 2: really? i liked our study in white. remember? when we painted in white?
me (thinking): hi, hello there? shush please.
student 1:i wasn't in that class, but i remember you saying.
student 2: oh, it was great. painting white chairs, by white trees with white ornaments, anything.
me (thinking): I would have just left it blank and peaced out early. Suckas.
student 1: yeah, but the squares.
me: frustrated exhale.
Listen, i know bookstores aren't libraries...but audio book aisles kind of are. And I was all comfy on my stool and didn't want to listen to the brain trust for 20 minutes.
So I tried my best to drown them out and went back to reading. The art books spilled over into the audio books section and a man came into the aisle standing painfully close to me. Pretending not to be bothered, I looked up at him completely bothered. Dude, what book could you possibly be looking for? He finally picked up a HUGE book on Goya and caught me giving him a random look.
me (thinking): Right. Like you came to the bookstore specifically for Goya. "I'll be right back honey. Just have to run out for some milk and that book on Goya."
man: I just love Goya.
me (thinking): I love squares. And white. I love white squares.
me: Oh, yea. good stuff.
man: So you know Goya?
me (thinking): oh, please just go away. not to be rude, but i so don't want to talk to you.
me: not personally.
man: (scary laugh.)
me (thinking): scary laugh.
man: What are you reading?
me: audio books.
man: (scary laugh/long pause, still standing too close) I'm always hearing bookstores are great places to meet people.
me (thinking): oh why, why, why...
so he's standing there, i'm sitting 10 inches off the ground, in this really annoying situation that should never take place in this aisle and i'm looking around at the audio books behind me and one was entitled, "5 Essential People Skills," which I thought was hilarious.
Not wanting to be rude with a blunt, dude, i'm gay and you scare me, I got up and said "enjoya the goya" which i thought he would laugh at scarily, but didn't.
People kill me.
Think I might head back to Borders to listen to that book. Could there really be 5? I'm pretty sure hiding from people in empty aisles isn't one of the skills. And I can bet yelling at them in your head to stop talking doesn't make the list either. sigh.
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Enjoya the Goya!!!?? That's the best thing you've written all year!!
There is something about you Jess, that draws the people that you don't want to talk to the most, in a bee line to you. Perhaps you should wish these people would be your best friends and then they'd go away. Or not. And then you'd really be in a pickle.
Oh, and stop reading audio books. It's the last stop on the train to crazy.
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