Wednesday, January 17, 2007

Earth Menopause.

Global Warming. You know it, Al Gore invented it, we all contribute to it, and it's hot right now. Green is the new black. 22 inch rims does not a sweet ride make-- it's all about the mpg baby. You see a person picking cans out of the garbage and they could be homeless or hipster. You just don't know. That's how fresh the environment beat is right now.
Environmentalists are crying out that "warming" is too soft. They say "global warming" doesn't stress the urgency of the situation, that it makes us feel comfy and toasty like we're a planet in sweat pants cuddling under a blanket. Oh, but global warming is NOT a planet in sweat pants. (I got that question wrong on the quiz) Some experts want to change the name to "Global Heating" (still sounds nice), or "The Earth is on Fire" (70's band, right?) or "You're going to die in 5 years, but not before you have to see all of the polar bears die first, those beautiful, sweet, polar bears, who died so that you could drive your car 2 blocks instead of riding your bike you selfish bastard." (OK, that one has my attention. But it's too long and will never catch on).
Everywhere you look, it's save the Earth, it's too hot. But is it, though? Is it too hot?
I live in California, and yesterday on a morning run, I came across what I thought was glass on the road, but it was not glass, it was ice. Granted, just a bit of ice in the shade, but ice nonetheless. And SF has been so cold this past week that I would swear I was back in Syracuse with the faces people were making as they walked down the street. I always wondered why people seemed to look nicer in cali, and then it occurred to me. Think of people's faces when they're cold. Not particularly pleasant. I'd go as far to say they looked pissed. There's a thin line between pissed and cold.
So i'm on the left coast freezing, while my right coast brethren are laughing to themselves that the winter coat purchase was unnecessary. I'm not amused.
What we have here people is not a case of global warming. It's far more serious than that. It's Global Menopause. Mood swings of what weather should be where, hot flashes in the dead of winter, memory problems in terms of recalling what seasons require which type of precipitation, anxiety and depression that are leaving the masses stressed and depressed about their wardrobe choices. The Earth is not comfy, and it insists on talking about it non-stop. Frankly, I'd like it to shut up.
The number one side effect of Menopause is that you need to talk about Menopause, and that's the real tragedy. When guests at the hotel say that they've just come back from seeing Menopause the Musical and proceed to talk about it, I want to hang up on them. You can't watch the View for more than 5 seconds without Rosie dropping the M-bomb. Please, just don't, OK? I don't want to hear about that. But that the planet seems to be experiencing all the symptoms, means we're going to be dealing with it on the daily. It's the most inconvenient of truths.
If we switch Global Warming to Global Menopause, I guarantee people will start to live more eco-friendly lives. Because honestly, who wants to hear about the Earth's hot sweats? Exactly.

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