Tuesday, July 14, 2009

i(don't care)phone.

My older sister has joined the masses. Soon she will be tapping at every surface she encounters waiting for a menu to appear, her attention span will shrink to milliseconds, and she will become one of those people who constantly say things like, "Oh, I can look that up for you!"
Sometimes people just throw a question out there to start conversation. They don't actually care about Guam's major export. Put your phone away.

Remember when you used your phone to call people? Remember when the world clock function seemed freaking amazing?
-Hey look what time it is in Jakarta!
-Do you know someone in Jakarta?
-No. But cool, right?

And a few years ago when my dad lost his cell he went into an impassioned speech about how there should be a place where you always left your phone so you could never lose it.
"There should be a holder on the wall where you have to keep your cell phone. So every day, it's there, right on the wall, waiting for you."
"You mean like the phone, dad?"

When cell phones were first going mainstream the only way we could convince my grandma to get one was by telling her that her car could break down at any moment. That was a big selling point for the first cell phones. Your car could break down! Then what?!
My grandma bought a new car before she bought a cell phone.

The cell phone used to just be a convenient way to get in touch with people. Now your phone can know more about you than anyone in your contact list. You're just a phone, little iphone. You're not allowed in my head. Plus, as something of a time-waster savant, I'm offended by all these high-tech downloads that help regular people kill time. Talk to yourself in the mirror, stop downloading restaurant apps.

Obviously, there's an app for anything. Apparently people even exercise off their iphones. 6-minute apps? Soon there will be iphones with elliptical arm handles or apps that call you at random times to yell, "RUN!" making you drop whatever you're doing and start running.
-Excuse me, I have to take this.
-[sprinting out of a meeting] I'm sorry! I'm on a program!

Brina was telling me about the Moron App, which is a quiz that helps you figure out how big of a moron you are. Right. If there was ever a reason for me to NOT spend 99 cents on something, it's the moron app. I LIVE the moron app.

There's even an app that uses the GPS in your phone to allow other people to see where you are. This is also called, "THE WORST IDEA IN THE WORLD App." Who in their right mind would sign up for this? If you want people to know where you are, you tell them.

It must be written somewhere in the small print of an iphone contract that as soon as you buy an iphone, you must mention it in every conversation you have for the first month. I want to invent an app that counts how many times iphone users say "iphone." Sabrina might be world champion.


Sabrina said...

I can read your blog on my iPhone. Jealous?

Jess said...

Bri, just so you know, I fully intend to start a line of greeting cards called "Jealous?" using that pic you sent.
-Yeah, it's Arbor day. Jealous?
-Happy Birthday! Jealous?
-Get Well Soon! Jealous?

Same pic for every occasion.

Pamplemousse said...

is this a sharable picture?

my two cents:

"you're a graduate! jealous?"
"it's a boy! jealous?"

PS that comment reminds me that my dream job may now be to write for someecards.com. they're snarky like me! ... jealous?

Jess said...

Did you ever see the SNL sketch of Rock of Love? It was from that.

I just think that everything is funnier when you add "jealous?" to end of the sentence. Particularly if it concerns some sad bit of news about your own life. "Yeah, that 70 year old man on the bus just touched my butt...jealous?"

Nice use of snarky by the way.

Blogger said...

You could be qualified to get a Apple iPhone 7.