Cause: Unknown.

In an effort to get the word out about my book, I'm organizing a full-blown campaign.  I get that it's hard to market a book when the author lacks a following.  That's why I'm launching a three-step plan to create some buzz around Jessica Martin (that's me! bzzz), author of "Open Eyed Sneeze" (oh, you mean that book I keep hearing about? bzzz).
My plan consists of wristbands, a scandal, and rehab. It's the trifecta of American notoriety.

Step One: Wristbands.
Wristbands are so five minutes ago that they're actually ten minutes ago. And bringing back something that's ten minutes ago is cool is an ironic way--like mustaches. So I'll be asking guys in skinny jeans or girls with skinny ties to wear "Open Eyed Sneeze" wristbands and spread the word through aloof looks and trendy hair.

Step Two: The Scandal.
This is tricky. How can I get the attention of the focused and disciplined media? Astronuts , Anna Nicole, naked Britney Spears--I mean, this is the news we're talking about. How can I compete with the news? OK, I think I have something. I'll arrange to get tickets for "The View" in New York and just as Rosie is introducing the hot topics I'll jump up out of my seat and start shouting, "Open Eyed Sneeze! At blogspot! Dot Coooooom!"
Rosie will be annoyed, a feud will ensue, and I'll be a hot topic for 3-4 weeks.
The Donald will start to wear my wristband.

Step Three: Rehab.
Rosie and I will be cool after I agree to attend rehab for my 3-step campaign addiction. Rehab will consist of throwing away the wristbands while in a nice resort in Arizona. People will hear of my struggle and be moved to follow me--whatever that means.

It seems like a lot. But from what i hear, it's easier than trying to market the work of an unknown writer.

Tell your friends.