Mama Said.

One of the funniest people I know described her day as such:

So far today i've had peppermint patties for two meals, set off the fire alarm by taking a shower, and cut myself on both the shampoo and a spoon. it takes real talent to live like this.

And later added:
aaaaand i got poison ivy. in the driveway. in february.

i quit this day.

There'll be days like this.

I once went into my kitchen and only found grapes, russian dressing, and waffle pretzels. 

I made a salad out of it. 

It struck me that this was no way to live.