Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Why Sure I Am a Coward.

So it's been unbearably hot in New York. I was going to put up a little post about the heat called "Baking Like a Toasted Cheeser," but it was mostly about how much I sweat and the fact that no matter how I look when I leave the apartment, I always arrive at my destination looking like a crack addict. I will say though, the heat has not deterred tourists from taking rides in those human rickshaws. How can people ride in those things? Having a person pull you around like a horse while you sit and enjoy the view? The people who employ these pullers in this heat are without a doubt sadists and I find myself giving them dirty looks as they pass. Most of them are probably wondering, "Why is that sweaty homeless girl staring at us?"
But I digress.

A break from the heat finally came last night in the form of a breeze during Shakespeare In The Park's production of Hamlet. During one of Hamlet's monologues, the breeze started to pick up slightly and leaves from the park started to swirl around the actor. Everyone in the audience thought this was pretty sweet and even the actor looked weirded out by his apparent control of the weather. He raised his voice and the intensity of his words grew. With that, the wind grew. More leaves and wind whipped around the stage while lightning started to flash from behind the theatre. The entire audience turned to see if it was a lighting effect. The wind picked up faster. Hamlet's character, screaming now in a storm on stage, raised his sword (idiot, there's lightning) and everyone in the audience cheered while turning to look at everyone else to figure out what the hell was going on.

I'm not going to lie, it was creepy. I heard people in front of me and behind me say that they were getting scared and maybe they were thinking about King Hamlet's ghost but I was more concerned with the fact that the entire set was made of metal and the lightning was still flashing. I looked to Bob and my sisters, who were at the show with me, and we were all like, "Let's get the hell out of here."

So we jumped up out of our seats and followed the other people who were running out of the theatre to avoid the thunderstorm. By this point, the wind was crazy. I can't stress this enough. Ushers were yelling at people to leave the park while Sabrina calmly approached one of them and asked, "Now who do I speak to about possible tickets for a make-up performance?" The usher looked at her and screamed, "Get out of here! It's dangerous!"

That's all I needed to hear. I'm terrible in emergency situations and as soon as even part of my worst case scenario thoughts are confirmed, I run. People exiting the theatre ran, but no one was running to leave the park so I started shouting "Anon! Run! Posthaste!" because those seemed like the things to shout in an emergency situation at a Shakespeare performance. People still didn't run. It wasn't until I started jumping over huge branches that had snapped off trees that everyone around me started picking up their pace. Maybe it also had to do with the fact that I yelled, "The trees are falling! The trees!"

Lightning flashed again and again and I thought of the metal buckle on my bag as a lightning rod so I held it out away from me as Bob and I ran faster through the park. Wearing his sunglasses to fight the flying debris he shouted, "This is fun! Let's go get a drink!"

I began to run in zig-zags because I thought I remembered reading that you should do that if heavy branches were falling off trees in parks. Or was that if you were being chased by a car? Or being shot at? I couldn't remember. I just kept running because the visual of me being crushed by a branch kept popping into my head. We ended up running into an open lawn with fewer trees and jumped a gate to get out of the park. Waiting at the corner to run across the street to the subway, I noticed that Brina and Ness weren't with us. When they finally emerged from the park they immediately started yelling. Apparently Ness had been following me but got caught in a bush trying to jump the gate and I didn't hear her shouts for help because I was already gone. Sabrina had tried to keep pace but I broke out into unnatural speeds after seeing the falling branches and she didn't see where I went. Who knew I could run like that?? Maybe I should pull a rickshaw.

Anyway, I think people's true colors shine through in situations like this.
I was convinced I was going to die by branch, Sabrina was looking for comp tickets or the name of the person in charge of the theatre so she could list her grievances about how the staff was trained, Ness was just going along with what everyone else was doing, and Bob was looking for a cocktail.

At least it cooled down outside.


Anonymous said...

Were there giant cats there too?

Macnabbs said...

Wow, Hamlet and the Tempest in one evening.

What is it with rickshaws? They seem to be a feature of decedent, developed cities. We have them in London and they annoy the hell out of me. They congregate near Covent Garden, usually blocking the most direct route from boozer a to boozer b, adding a good three seconds to any pub crawl time spent travelling from one pub to another.

Other, continental, cities populated by folk with a more robust attitude to animal cruelty (if you can’t shag it or eat it, what use is it?) have horse drawn carriages (or in Cuba, goat drawn carriages, now how’s that for an embargo biting!). But Brits would rather be pulled by a human, probably thinking it’s not cruel. I have noticed, however, that the pullers get quite annoyed when you crack a whip across their arse and scream ‘giddyup!’.

Jess said...

-the cat thing happened! leave it!

-when people say "horse drawn carriages" or "goat drawn carriages" (is that for real?)i just get a visual of horses or goats sitting at easels sketching carriages.

why do pedicab drivers ring their bike bells incessantly to get business? i just want to tell them, "people see you on a bike with a cart of seats attached. they get that you're offering a service. cool it with the bells, ok?"

i think i heard that the people who started the Mongol Rally came up with something similar for rickshaws. probably for the motorized ones but i like the idea of a guy on a bike pulling tourists from Ohio around the foothills of the Himalayas.

Macnabbs said...

Goat drawn carriage for real? Oh yes!

Pamplemousse said...

Let's have a meeting of our families. Hilarity would almost definitely ensue.

As for the human-drawn rickshaw (and pedicabs, actually), I always find myself ogling their ginormous calf muscles and wondering if they're going to spontaneously burst -- ick.

mid sib sis kel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mid sib sis kel said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mid sib sis kel said...

Since I am related to you, the visual, again, is making me crack up:

Jessie scaling the bushes like OJ running through an airport (random OJ reference to a very old commercial he did before the whole murder thing)

Nessa attempting to scale and failing because she was probably laughing too hard

Brina attempting to be compensated during the chaos:

Love u girls!!

mid sib sis kel said...

btw I deleted those because I didn't know what i was doing :)