Thursday, May 24, 2007

God's Weird Birthday Party.

If you happen to watch Fox News you know that God's Birthday falls on May 23, or, whatever day of the year the American Idol Finale airs. And to celebrate, God enjoys throwing a little party. It's called, the American Idol Finale. It's actually pretty convenient how that all works out. But then, why wouldn't it be?

I don't watch Fox News, so I didn't know about this whole birthday thing. But after seeing the show last night, it became quite clear that only an omniscient being could have put that little get-together together. Party hats and streamers do not a God birthday make. One needs the most interesting people, one needs Ryan Seacrest, one needs lots of music, and one needs an ice cream cake. (It was in the back of the auditorium, the camera never showed it but it was there). Last night's finale at the Kodak Theatre was the most bizarre grouping of humans in one space--ever. It was obvious that God had made the guest list in hopes of outdoing last year's party, which He so carefully planned with a twist ending, "Um, and then i want the 'Soul Patrol' guy to win. He's funny."

Let's discuss that guest-list, shall we? In no particular order, these are some faces I saw in the crowd.
-Jerry Springer
-Jeff Foxworthy
-Rebecca from Full House and some young boys who were definitely not Nicky and Alex
-Constantine "I'll stare into every camera i see" Maroulis
-Denise Richards
-Jennifer Hudson
-Jack Bauer
-Helen Thomas
-The Shah of Iran. Or, I think it was the Shah's cousin.
Just to name a few.

For such an esteemed list of attendees, the performances had to be spot on. Hot artists of the now such as Gwen Stefani and Kelly Clarkson.
A Pretenders cover by Carrie Underwood.
A set with Smokey Robinson and the fat kid with the horrible hair.
Gladys Night. (Because nothing sets off a party quite like a woman named Gladys.)
A piece in which Blake and Doug E. Fresh worked the stage together, ensuring that everyone in America would try for at least 15 seconds to beatbox.
Oh, and then Bette Midler showed up out of nowhere to sing "Wind Beneath My Wings." You know, because it was relevant.
I enjoyed watching Randy Jackson and Paula Abdul dry-hump each other while doing the Angels in the Outfield arm movements to that song. It was appropriate. PS. Randy, the man who is making your suits is pulling a tragically successful joke on you. Fire him dog, the suits really didn't work for me. Particularly that suit with sailing rope all over it. I wasn't feeling it dog.

The entire night was just about as weird as you could want. But just to make sure there were no doubts about that, this lady showed up.
Maybe next year, I don't know, perhaps just a small dinner party? A few close friends, the ice cream cake, maybe make a cool little party shuffle on your playlist? Just a thought.


juliet said...

jessica, do you get my messages?? why don't you call me? you missed kasia being here. are you even in new york? i think we need some quality time together. missy. ps. coney island is amazing and we have to go, soon.

jULIA said...



Jess said...

juliet. i'm the worst. you're the best.

i was away for the long weekend. no charger=dead phone=getting your voicemails today.

and i have to say, your voicemails are works of art. Laughed OUT LOUD. you're hilarious and i love you.

please forgive my poor poor phone skills and meet me for quality chill this week. you. me. cyclone. nathans. i'm all over it. or ANYTHING! my phone is charging now, and i'm practicing what i'll say to your beep. it won't be as funny as you, but i'll try. so please listen to that at your earliest convenience and then pull a jess martin by calling me back in a week.

see you soon! PROMISE.

Jess said...

cousin julia! um, you're an aunt now! a 12-year old aunt. do you think i'll see the baby at kelly's this weekend? hope so! I remember when you were a baby. we all thought you were so cute. gosh, what happened?

have you seen your brother? he's MIA. tell him i miss Senseo.

I love ya cuz! if i think of any good stories about you, maybe i'll put up a little post. but you're pretty boring so don't count on it. oh snap. maybe i could talk about how you spoke 3 foreign languages as a 6-year old. or how i ran you into a tree on the go-carts at my friends house. HA. sorry about that.