Monday, August 28, 2006

God Has Drinking Problem.

OK, so i have a theory about the universe and religion as a whole. It's as good as yours so don't hate.
Every Sunday after church (which for God, is just looking in the mirror while he eats a bowl of frosted mini-wheat's) God has some of his buddies over and they play beer pong. Said Buddies include Shakespeare, Thomas Edison (God always gives him a hard time, "Hey, I said let there be light, you just decided to make lamps.") Da Vinci, Freud, Martin Luther King Jr., Helen Keller (even though she never adds much to the festivities), and Louis Pasteur because he always cleans up after.
So they put on music which basically consists of God pointing and Foreigner magically popping up to play "Cold As Ice." God loves that song, mere mortals could never understand why.
So after eating jalapeno poppers and playing way too many rounds of the pong, God and his friends start to think about things that could happen on Earth that would make them laugh. Here are some recent examples.

1) Pluto is no longer a planet.
Galileo was in the corner with his 9th red cup and goes, "That'd be funny, right? Cuz, you know, they all think it's a planet."

2) Reports have gone out that Osama Bin Laden had a very intense crush on Whitney Houston and that he wanted to kill Bobby Brown so he could have her.
This was actually Freud's idea. He thought it would be funny to find old footage of Osama's mom that looked like Whitney from the Bodyguard video. Plus, he thought the combination of the two would be a great way to find the reclusive terrorist. Because no doubt, after a few months together he would be taking her to court on abuse charges. She's got a lot of anger, that one.

3) President Bush reportedly read "The Stranger" by Albert Camus on his ranch in Texas and then discussed the foundations of Existentialism with White House spokesperson Tony Snow.
Simone de Beauvoir suggested this. She thought the idea that people would even believe Bush can read was funny in and of itself. The story, of a man who kills an Arab for absolutely no reason, was her high-brow commentary. She's a smart lady.

That was Helen's suggestion. Somebody should really stop inviting her over.


Rick said...

I've always been a strong proponent of the God/Beer Pong Corollary. I even have a picture of it on my blog

Jess said...

rick rick rick! (to be read like amy poehler) that was a great story! i minored in bar games studies in college with a concentration in beer pong and flip cup so my final to graduate was something similar to your chilly night in maine. glad to know there's someone out there who keeps the faith. was your first communion a game of 40-hands as well? or was that just me?

Rick said...

Actually, it was "Caps" not "40-Hands". It's like beer pong but with mugs, bottle caps, and more drinking.

Anonymous said...

Great, now I've got "Cold As Ice" in my head and must illegally download it now!

juliet said...

friday morning breakfast??

Jess said...

Juliet, trying to work my game to get Friday morning together. Kind of craving the biggest waffle ever so if you happen to know a place, said game and Friday morning schedule would gel.
or, just don't leave. ok cool.

anonymous, it is illegal to download cold as ice. but not because of copyright laws or anything. People just really shouldn't listen to it.

juliet said...

oh i know a place. god they are amazing.