Saturday, December 29, 2007

Fact.

Guitar Hero III offers a person the fastest and most entertaining way to become a pathetic loser.

I should know.

Duck Hunt came close in the 1980s with its "sporting rifle" that looked like it should shoot lasers. It wasn't exactly the most entertaining, however, given the fact that most people learned to sit inches from the TV to increase their score. Games are quickly ruined when your eyes start to burn. But if as an 8-year-old you happened to slip into conversation that you enjoyed clay shooting, well, then it was fully successful in turning you into a tool box. To this day I'm still tempted to write "skeet shooting" when asked to list my hobbies/casual interests regardless of the fact that I've never actually held a gun that didn't have a cord.

The Power Pad was pretty great and "World Class Track Meet" filled the track star void for kids who say, skipped (not as in skipping, but as in faking a major illness) the mile-run every year for gym class. But one soon learns that people only care about track athletes once every four summers, so the Power Pad lost its cool. Dance Dance Revolution is a variation on its theme, but I'll argue that if you need a computer to tell you where to put your feet, you're not dancing. That'd be like saying you can spin records after playing a few rounds of Simon.

I never had the Power Glove, but I saw a kid wearing one on the train once and I thought that was basically awesome.

But back to the cold hard fact. Guitar Hero III puts every other game to shame. Christmas Day my cousin brought over all of his games to my grandma's house, and 9 hours later--really--the guitar had to be ripped from my hands. My little cousin Julia is amazing and during her perfect version of Metallica's One, she goes, "Grandma, aren't you proud that all of your grandchildren are so good at Guitar Hero?"

That single question might keep me from ever playing again.

But probably not.

2 comments:

Pamplemousse said...

jess, HOW do you get your archive to just list the previous posts in a list, minus the date or whatever? i FAIL at blorginization. :( i just made a new one for my movie reviews (as if anyone cares) and i want to be able to just list the old posts by title (ideally alphabetically) but it inSISTS on making me archive by date! crappy!! so i settled for labelling them, the little tag things at the bottom where you pick a key word, but given that i will review lots of movies, there will clearly be tons of labels. i'm breakin' down here. help!

Jess said...

OK, this is a true story. My freshman year of college I received a voicemail from the Office of Judicial Affairs. The message was very short and very serious and said that I needed to meet with the Director of Judicial Affairs that day. Even though the message seemed urgent, I wasn't really worried. My floor had hired a male stripper for a birthday party weeks prior to this--and he had been found by our RA in the common room closet--so I just assumed it was about that. But it wasn't.

The Director of Judicial Affairs sat me in his office and asked a series of rapid-fire questions. What's my major, where was I born, what do I use my computer for. This last one he asked over and over. Finally, he threw down a manilla folder of papers and handed me a letter with computer jargon all over it and asked me what I thought of it. I thought I was confused, and told him that.

After a 20-minute interrogation he finally told me that the school had been notified that my computer was being used for possible hacking attempts into NASA. I'm not kidding.

So naturally, I started laughing (note: don't do that) but he was not amused. He said that Syracuse could expel me over something like this. Long story short, I started sweating profusely, held back tears, and tried explaining to this man using what little voice I had that I had no clue what any of that stuff was. That I could barely access my email, let alone try to hack something. Can you say "hack something?" I didn't even know how to use the word let alone do it. After an investigation, I received a letter from the University clearing me.

Anyway, to answer your question, I have no idea. I'm amazed that anything I type shows up on this page. It's all magic and elves to me, my friend. i'm sorry.