The Best Game Since Hat or Hair.

The rules for Hat or Hair can be found here but What Would You Buy Me? is just as easily explained.

Window shopping is always more fun when playing a quick round of, What Would You Buy Me?

You Don't Understand My Music.

I was on the T this morning and overheard a conversation between two strangers. The man who started the conversation was clearly drunk and the guy going along with the whole thing was incredibly patient. We'll call him Bill. Here's how it went:

Drunk guy: I'm a musician too, man.

Bill: Oh yeah? What do you play?

Drunk Guy: Awww, man! Rock & Roll, Jazz Fusion, R&B.

Bill: That's great.

Drunk Guy: [Closes his eyes and starts singing. Horribly. Slowly. Each word of his made up song is 35 beats and at least five different key changes. Everyone on the train turns to look at him.]

After a few minutes of singing a song called "Stay in my corner" (those were the only words) Bill smiled and said to the man, "You have a very nice voice."

Opening his eyes wide with annoyance, the drunk guy replied, "Man, I'm a drummer!"

I Always Route For The Underdog.

I had a waitress at Waffle House once who was wearing a button that said, "I'm #2."

I loved it so much I sort of adopted it as a mantra.

Anyway, my book is in the bookstore window and its location could not be any more perfect.

I love my life.

Show-Offs.

I've been seeing a lot of unicycle riders around town lately. What's that about?

It's obviously not a more convenient form of travel and honestly, it's just a little too showy for my taste. It's like screaming, "Hey! Look what I can do!" everywhere you go. People who can juggle don't walk down the street juggling. When I see people on unicycles I find myself rolling my eyes and then waiting for them to get to some sort of hill.

My friend said she saw a guy locking his unicycle to a bike rack. Really, unicycle guy? You think someone who also knows how to ride a unicycle is going to steal your wheel?

What would that getaway look like?

"Hey! Stop him! He stole my Uni!"

"What's that?

"My unicycle! Stop him!"

"You could probably just go walk over and ask him to give it back. He's not going very fast."

I'd like to see a chase scene between a unicycle, a pogo-stick, someone wearing moon shoes, and a guy on one of those little butt scooters that we used to use in gym class. And when the person wearing moon shoes gets away, this is how the scene ends:

Book For Sale!

Well, it's official! Open-Eyed Sneeze can now be found on bookstore (singular) shelf, and is available for sale on the interwebs. Here is the link to buy the book!

Boston people, save on shipping and head to the Harvard Book Store to pick up your copy! Or, write me and I can get you one. I know a guy.

After May 18th, I will also be selling copies of the book through this blog via completely secure PayPal.

Options abound!

I posted the news about the book being available last night on Facebook, and the response from friends from my hometown was awesome. That town deserves its own shout out, and that's coming soon, but I have to say, Brockport is good people. Even when people leave and start lives in other places, something stays with them from that town. And we all know what it is.

It's the extreme desire to have a Wegmans.

Anyway, when I called to tell my mom that Sarah Schram was the first person ever to purchase my book, she started laughing with excitement and then burst out crying. My sisters had similar freak out responses. I love that my whole family knows the people who are buying my book by name. Score one, little indie press.

So, it's a really fun time for my first book! Read it! Tell a friend! Stretch!

(That doesn't relate, it's just really important to stretch.)

Thanks, Gram.

For the purposes of this post, it's important to note that my grandma Lorraine is the cutest person ever and I love her like crazy. Whenever we talk on the phone she asks how Mer is doing and gets excited for her when she has exciting things happening. When I told her about Mer's fellowship she said, "Oooooooooh, that sounds nice!" She's sort of ridiculously amazing.

I never know how grandparents will respond to the whole girlfriend thing. When we had Easter dinner at my friend Jane's house last week, I introduced myself to Jane's grandma and casually said, "And this is my girlfriend, Meredith." I thought, well, if she's not down with the gays, maybe she'll think I just mean my friend, and then we can all enjoy ham. But this was her response:

"Oh, one of my best friends when I was young was a Transvestite and I wrote a book about her. You'll sit next to me for dinner."

Grandparents deserve more credit than they're given.

Anyway, a card arrived the other day and saying that I had trouble opening it is an extreme understatement. A recap:

The fact that she included Mer was pretty much the best thing ever. I love you, Gram!

Monday Blooper.

Without further ado... a blooper.

Lots of Pulp.

I was really proud of this joke.

You know what they call a marriage between two Quarter Pounders With Cheese in Paris?

A Royale With Cheese Wedding.

No One Tells Me Anything.

I forgot my phone charger in Chicago so I was without a cell for about a week. Normally this wouldn't mean anything. Nessa never picks up her phone so I wouldn't be missing much there, Sabrina emails constantly and would learn how to send smoke signals if she thought the news was important enough, and my mom and dad usually just want to know what I've been eating for dinner. So when I finally got my charger back and called everyone, I was a little concerned that every phone went straight to voicemail. Did they all lose their chargers too?

Nope. They didn't.

The day after I tried calling them I got an email from Brina with the subject line: Pics from the Spring Gala. The body of the email said only, "Enjoy!"

These are the pics she sent:

Right. Well, I guess it slipped everyone's mind to tell me that my entire family was going to NYC Opera's Gala. Nbd.

But then, THIS picture was in the New York Times!

Here's the article. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/23/nyregion/nocturnalist-hobnobbing-from-the-ground-floor-up.html

It's sort of a Where's Waldo? situation, but if you look under the white floating art piece, you'll see Sabrina's red dress and my mom standing across from her.

Man! I would have LOVED to be in the New York Times! Blerg.

Anyway, mom, you'll be interested to know that I had a delightful seared striped bass the other night. Thankyouverymuch.

Deb Has Changed Her Name To Moonbeam.

Another wonderful email from my mother, who has apparently turned into a hippy.

Jessica,

I am so over the top happy for you. As a parent, to know you feel true happiness gives me a sense of wonderful peacefulness. With you and your sisters pursuing your dreams, I can take a moment and bask in your light. Congrats!

Something about writing emails makes my mom wax poetic. I remember before we all went home for Thanksgiving this year she sent Nessa a lengthy piece about apples.

A Book In The Hand Is Worth 2 Video Posts.

I picked up my proof copy from the printer today and oh boy, was I excited. It was also about 100 million degrees out (I sweat in the winter so yes, 65 is basically 100 million) so I was pretty stoked about that as well.

I thought I would surprise Meredith when she got out of work by sitting outside the hospital reading my book, but she almost walked right past me and I had to scream, "Meredith! Over here!" and then she was like, "What are you doing here?" And I couldn't think of anything clever so I was just like, "Look." and handed it to her.

My life just plays out like a movie sometimes! Magical.

Anyway, I might have one thing changed but then it's a go with printing lots of copies. Maybe you'll read it! That'd be great!

Here are 2 video posts because I'm so happy. One of them is a Rap video. Whaaa? Please excuse my sweaty, dead rat appearance. I was waiting outside for Mer for awhile.

A Moml's Love.

I sent the book cover to my mom yesterday and this was her response:

I am over the top excited to see the fruits of your labor!!! I think I feel like Grandma did when she peered through the door of the birthing room. Your book is born!! I am incredibly humbled and awestruck. I can hardly wait to nurture it along its journey...Congrats, Love, your moml

My poor mom. The closest thing to a grandchild she'll see in awhile is a self-published paperback.

A few years ago around Christmastime, the fridge was covered with pictures of other people's children on holiday cards and my mom interrupted our meal by asking, "Now Jessie, do you think you'll adopt, or would your partner get pregnant?" I held my breath for a minute, deciding if it was worth it to point out that the question was launched from nowhere. Concluding that it wasn't, I answered with, "Mom, I don't even have my own apartment right now. Let's worry about imaginary babies later."

I love you, Mom. You can push a copy of my book on a park swing whenever you want.

Book Cover!

Well folks, here it is! A Geoffrey Gavett original and the cover to my first book. It's laid out like a book jacket here, but you can get the idea.

If I can say a few words about my friend Geoff -- and I can because I'm typing this -- I'd like to do that now.

I liked Geoff before I even knew him. Whenever my friend Lauren would share a story about her boyfriend, I could tell by the way she had to smile that he was an amazing kid. I should mention that Lauren is one of my favorite people ever, so anyone that could make her laugh without actually being present had my immediate seal of approval. Lauren talked about his childlike verve for life, his humor, his energy, his style, his mind, his love for good music and his willingness to be moved by it, and the fact that he would make her breakfast. By the time I finally met him, I was practically his biggest fan.

I had the pleasure of working with him and laughing my arse off on the daily as he used various and believable accents, made up voices for people-watching, invented characters, danced, made funny faces, and spoke at the speed of sound. It was like working with a cartoon character. But better! Because Geoff is also wicked smart and interesting. He loves art and speaks about it with a passion that is tangible. His love for the process of creation-- for making something, anything-- is obvious and it speaks to why his own creativity is seemingly limitless. He has an energy that wakes you up and demands that you try. I dare anyone to have a conversation with him and not feel inspired.

Through music, drawing, painting, graphics, photography, and talking about ideas, Geoff is always evolving. He's just a really cool kid to know and I'm thrilled to call him my bud. Thanks for lending your talents on this project, Geoff!

Below: Cover Artist tries to peer into the soul of the camera. Author says, "Cheese."

Below: The thought bubbles of Cover Artist and author collide and fornicate. It's disturbing.

It's Not Delivery.

Because no one delivers cookies.

I saw a commercial on hulu for this product:

This was my thought process after seeing the ad:

-Mmm, cookies.

-Wait, pizza and cookies? That doesn't make any sense.

-Well, maybe it does.

-No, actually that's pretty gross.

-What, you've never wanted something sweet after pizza?

-I don't remember ever saying, "Pizza! Can't wait to finish this and eat cookies!"

-Well, I've probably said that.

-But pizza and milk? No. It's like when parents order their kid a hot dog and milk.

-Ew, when I think about hot dogs and milk I start to throw up a little.

I actually paused my episode of Parks & Recreation to keep thinking about this product. I found that I wasn't hungry, just confused. Did the advertisers want me to somehow end up thinking about hot dogs? Hot dogs and bunt cake? Is that the next big thing? Semi-related: Have you ever seen a hot dog toaster?

And if pizza and cookies are such good pals, why am I just hearing about it now? If you said to two people, "You go together like pizza and cookies," they'd probably ask you what the hell you meant by that. Because while it sort of makes sense, it mostly doesn't. Or maybe it does.

Anyway, the whole thing sounds like a mall food court mistake.

With that said, I'm getting one.

Flashmob.

It's the homestretch to get the word out about Open-Eyed Sneeze and if anything can get people talking, it's a flashmob. I debated trying to get those Filipino prisoners to somehow mention that I was publishing a book, but logistically, I thought a flashmob made more sense.

Prison correspondence can be so slow.

This was my first attempt at organizing a flashmob, so clearly there's a learning curve. Making sure you mention the correct time for everyone to be there is something to remember. Also, sending the alert out to more than just your immediate family in New York is a good tip. Especially if the flashmob is held in Chicago.

Overall, things could have gone worse.

Note: The security officer at The Bean was following me for the entire time we filmed.

That's true.

Monday Contest and Blooper.

The book launch for Open-Eyed Sneeze is quickly approaching and today's contest concerns the signature drink that will be served at the event. I'd like to call it the Open-Eyed Sneeze, but any great drink name will work.

Create the winning signature cocktail, win an invite to the launch! It's that easy! And my parents will be at this party, so if you've never had the pleasure, it might be worth it to try to think of a fun beverage.

And now, a random clip.

Insert Appropriate Title.

I guess I don't have anything else to say about this.

Soup, There It Is.

Thank you to everyone for playing! The names have been collected and written down on wooden tokens and put in a sock. I am now choosing one wooden token and--just a second. Sorry, it's actually a lot harder to get a wooden token out of a sock than you might imagine.

There we go.

Ahem.

Ladies and gentleman, the randomly selected 2011 soup quote winner is (drumroll, high hat, improvised solo...) Gordon!

Unfortunately, Gordon lives in California. Hmm.

The second randomly selected wooden token name is (drumroll, slide whistle, didgeridoo...) Andrea!

Ok, she doesn't live in Boston either. There were restrictions, people.

Modern problems call for modern answers. Here's what I'll do. Winners, if at all interested, we can eat soup together via Skype.

Let me know.

Monday Contest and Blooper.

That's right! I've started something new on the blog and every Monday for the next few weeks, I'll be posting a contest and at least one blooper for your time-wasting convenience.

This week's contest: Soup With The Author!

Have you ever wanted to have a cup of soup with a self-published author? Now you can! Simply text "Soup" to Open-Eyed Sneeze-- wait, scratch that. I have no way of making that happen. Don't text anything. Simply post your favorite quote about soup to the blog or the facebook page and one randomly selected quote about soup wins! I'll buy your soup, we'll talk or not talk, it'll be a video post!

Is this the best contest you've ever seen? Why, yes. Yes it is. Winner will be posted tomorrow.

Note: Soup will be eaten in the Boston area.

(If I get even one response to this I'll consider it a success.)

And now, a blooper:

Brainstorming With The Peeps.

I didn't understand the assignment.