Open-Eyed Sneeze

Blurb's The Word.

2012-01-26T15:08:00.003-05:00

Stephen Colbert's interview with writer and illustrator Maurice Sendak was absolutely brilliant and I particularly loved the blurbs he offered for Colbert's first children's book, I Am a Pole (And So Can You!)

The Colbert Report Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Grim Colberty Tales with Maurice Sendak Pt. 2
www.colbertnation.com
Colbert Report Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog Video Archive

"The sad thing is, I like it."- Maurice Sendak

"Terrible quality of ordinariness."- Maurice Sendak

"Supremely ordinary."- Maurice Sendak

This got me thinking. I don't actually have a written record of blurbs for my book. I think it'd be cool for promotional purposes, but mostly, I have really funny friends and I think you guys could come up with blurbs as awesome as Sendak's. (BQ, I'm looking at you.)

So I'm reaching out for your help. If you've read the book, could you leave a blurb either here on the blog, or on my fb page, or in the Customer Review section on the bookstore's website?

I'll love you forever (that's a long time) and all the blurbs will be put to a vote and the winner will receive a copy of the book plus a short story written about them. You love to read about you!

"But Jess," you say, "I've already read your book and don't want another copy."

To which I reply, "You don't have friends? Give it to one of them."

Up top internet high-five of thanks in advance.

I Don't Refuse To Accept That This Is Not Butter.

2012-01-24T11:39:00.004-05:00

You know when you're searching for a book in a library and you have to say the alphabet aloud over and over as you walk through the rows? I obviously know that f comes before g, but I'll be damned if I can remember it without whispering the song quickly to myself.

Well, multiply that speedy whisper by a thousand and you have an idea of the schizophrenic mess I looked like in college while taking exams in my logic classes. The idea was to prove if a statement was true, but all you really need to know about these tests is that they consisted of A LOT of double negatives. Not not A LOT. There were so many negations in these exams that I had no choice but to read everything out loud so that my head didn't explode.

It went something like this:

"If not A is true then A is not true, false, so not true, then not not A is not not not...." [Boom.]

It was during this time that I seriously tried to get the double negative "NOT!" craze going.

"You look good! Not! (pause) Not!"

"What?"

"You look nice."

But to this day whenever I hear someone use a double negative I get a really distant look and go off into my head stringing together groups of nots. Not knots, but nots.

[Boom. ]

So since the first time I heard Meredith repeat the bit about I Can't Believe It's Not Butter from The Vicar of Dibley, I've been unable to shake it. Sure, I forget about it from time to time, but one mention of I Can't Believe It's Not Butter and I can't not start saying it.

I was watching this clip again the other day and I wondered if any other food could get away with a similar name. Would anyone buy something called, "What Do You Mean This Isn't Meat?!" or "But It Feels Like Cheese!"?

I doubt it.

The Wikipedia page for I Can't believe It's Not Butter has a great list of the imitation knock-offs:

"Butter It's Not!"
"Isn't It Butter?"
"What, Not Butter!"
"Could it be Butter?"
"You'd Butter Believe It"
"You'd Think It's Butter!"
"Unbelieveable^[9] [sic] This is not butter"
"Not Butter But Better"
"Tastes Like Butter"
"Is it Butter?"
"Utterly Butterly"
"Better By Far"
"This is not Butter. It's Butterific!"

This is probably my new favorite list as far as lists go. But also, I think these names could be used for almost any product and still be not false.

Who's Jim Jebow?

2012-01-13T20:33:00.002-05:00

I know an athlete has made their presence known outside of the sports world when my mother mentions them. I wish I had a picture of what my face looked like when she asked me a few years ago, "What do you think of Ochocinco?"

I was at a complete loss. I remember feeling my brow actually cramp up in confusion.

"His receiving game?"

"His dancing!"

And you could have knocked me over with a feather when she told me Lamar Odom got traded to the Mavericks.

"Mom, how do you know that?"

"E! News. It's actually pretty sad for Khloe. What's she going to do in Dallas?"

As far as my mother is concerned, sports only exist in relation to Dancing With The Stars or the Kardashians.

But Tim Tebow she knows. Everyone knows Tim Tebow. Call it what you want, but he's got a great story it's entertaining as ~~hell~~ heck. The fact that my mother watched last week's Broncos game says everything you need to know about the hype. People are on board.

So because Tebow is completely unavoidable, I've been conducting a social experiment to see how people react when I gently ask, "Who's Jim Jebow?"

The short answer: They are not amused.

If you want to hear Tim Tebow's name pronounced slowly and with condescension, ask about Jim Jebow. Even my mother, who is pretty much the most patient woman in the world, snapped back, "T-T-T-Tebow."

If you conduct the experiment yourself, let me know the results. I'm interested.

Giving New Meaning To Steamed Dumplings.

2012-01-11T10:56:00.006-05:00

My sister recently moved out of Queens and into Manhattan. For all the reasons that my entire family will miss Astoria, one was less obvious until staying with her over the holidays: Take-out.

Over the years she lived in Astoria, Brina created an incredibly detailed binder of take-out menus from her neighborhood. Whenever anyone suggested take-out and vino, Sabrina simply handed them the binder and let them have at it. Numerous apps have now made something like this seem unnecessary, but trust me. With a group of people and different tastes, it's nice to have actual menus.

So when a bunch of us wanted to order Thai one night we played pass the iphone for awhile as we tried to find something close, something cheap, something good, and something with dumplings. (Note: Something With Dumplings is a good idea for a food truck. Don't steal it.) After about 40 minutes of this, Brina remembered that there was a pretty decent Thai place down the street. She called to place the order and I agreed to go pick it up.

Before leaving the apartment, she warned me that finding the place can be difficult.

This was our exact conversation:

Bri: You won't really be able to tell from the street that it's a restaurant. There are stairs on the outside and you have to go down the stairs before you come to it.

Me: OK, but this is the street address, right? That's the number?

Bri: Yes, but it's confusing. You won't actually see the restaurant.

Me: OK, I'm a big girl. I can figure it out.

Heading down the street toward the Thai place I paid close attention to the numbers. Seeing a large sign with the address on it I shook my head. Sabrina had made it sound like the restaurant was buried underground and I would never be able to find it without explicit directions. There was a GIANT sign with the street number on it visible from the sidewalk. I thought to myself, she must think I'm a complete idiot.

I walked down the outside stairs (as instructed) and into the building. I was immediately struck by how warm it was in there. They must have a big kitchen, I thought to myself. Then, rounding the corner to go down another flight of stairs, I passed a girl in a bikini. I should admit here that I had been drinking a little that night, so perhaps I wasn't as shocked by this as I should have been. I remember saying excuse me and thinking to myself that it was a little odd, but at no point were any red flags raised. Brina had made it very clear that I would not recognize it as a restaurant.

Heading down another flight of stairs I passed a counter with a group of people standing around but it didn't look like a pick-up counter so I kept going down another flight. With each step I took I heard a, "Hello? Hello?! Hello!" grow louder. Ignoring that and walking into the hottest part of the restaurant, I waved my hand in front of my face to clear away the heavy cloud of steam while looking for a host or server. Instead, I saw two older naked men.

Three things occurred to me at this moment:

1) This was not a Thai restaurant.

2) If it was, I would not be paying for our spicy broad noodles.

3) The angry "hellos" were for me.

Turning around to head back up the stairs, the man at the counter yelled, "Can I help you?!"

Thinking that the Thai place was obviously still somewhere in this building I said, "I'm looking for Thai pick up."

He shut his eyes and shook his head in utter disbelief and yelled back at me, "It's on the corner. Down the street."

When I made my way down the street (to a business with the SAME EXACT EFFING ADDRESS, I might add) I literally tiptoed down the stairs and into the restaurant.

When I returned with everyone's food I calmly explained that the neighborhood Bath-House and Thai restaurant have the same address but are located in completely different buildings.

This is where something like a binder full of take-out information helps the process.

Word Is Spreading Like A Warrior II Pose.

2012-01-10T11:54:00.002-05:00

On our way to a fabulous New Year's Eve party, Nessa took advantage the overwhelming friendliness alive in NYC that night. Even people who would never dare say hello to a stranger, lit up and smiled when she shouted, "Happy New Year!" in passing. Every person she talked to responded. This was particularly amazing to me because as a server I struggled to elicit people's drink orders while talking to them at their table. "Hello?...." [Tumbleweed.]

Anyway, reaching so many people on the street with such a positive energy, she realized it might be a good time to get the word out about SIN Workouts. So after wishing people Happy New Year and getting a smile, she would say, "Check out SIN Workouts in the new year!" It was a pretty clever on the spot guerilla marketing campaign, despite the fact that everyone she was talking to was drunk. Regardless, we all started playing along and it was a nice way to pass the time walking to our destination.

Right before entering the house for the party, Mer stopped a girl headed to the midnight run in Central Park and asked, "Do you like to workout? Check out SIN Workouts." To which she replied, "Yeah! I've heard of that! Who invented that again?" To which all of us screamed, "SHE DID!" Turns out she had heard about it through a friend of Nessa's. But seriously? What were the chances?

If you're in NYC, I suggest you start your SINning now.

Watermelonkiller.com

2011-12-29T10:27:00.002-05:00

As previously mentioned, I came up with a brilliant idea the other night. Nessa was showing me the websites of her friends who have developed very sophisticated and successful workout techniques. Some of the videos showed 100 people in a class all punching and kicking before moving on to working with swords. Swords. Seriously. I'm all for a practical self-defense workout that adds to fitness, but who walks around with a sword?

I've had ideas for self-defense classes before, namely, "Kick Ya In The Face" which is just an hour of kicking your leg in the air as high as you can while shouting, "I'llllll kick ya in the face!" But Nessa said her friend's sword classes are so successful that she's flown around the world to teach.

This got me thinking. Obviously, the air of danger is appealing to these sword workout people. And I know from years of experience that walking around carrying heavy things is not only good cardio, but your arms end up looking pretty cut too. (Carrying groceries, laundry, or a 12pk of beer was always my excuse for not working out.) So naturally, my thought was to combine the two: Walk around carrying something heavy (a watermelon) and have the threat of an attack at any time. I call it Watermelon Killer.

Get familiar with the name, because it's going to be as ubiquitous as Pilates.

Here's how it works: You sign up for Watermelon Killer and are given a fresh watermelon each week. You never meet your trainer but one is assigned to follow you and chase you from time to time wearing a ski mask, a Scream mask, or clown costume. A lot of people say they would only run if chased and the Watermelon Killer training technique puts that to the test. Even if you go weeks without being confronted, you're still carrying a watermelon everywhere you go. It's win win.

The New Fitness Craze.

2011-12-28T05:07:00.003-05:00

I wouldn't describe myself as fit. When I cancelled my gym membership in Boston last year the representative asked me why I wanted to discontinue and I said, "Because I've never actually been there. I don't even know the address. If you asked me right now where you're located, I honestly couldn't tell you."

Also, I'm a little (cough) clumsy. Whenever I do ab workouts my ears tend to hurt for a few days. I once punched myself in the face doing the fast circular Tae-Bo arm move too close to my head. And I literally just learned that it's called Zumba and not Zubaz. I have to say, I was pretty disappointed to find out that my favorite childhood pants hadn't made a miraculous comeback.

But with all that said, I LOVE to high-five, I love to laugh, and I love social situations where my sweating isn't a problem. Luckily, my little sister's new business provides a venue for all of that.

Her company, SIN Workouts, (Strength in Numbers) stresses that fitness should be the most positive part of your day. Seriously people, I'm not just saying this because I'm her sister. As someone who does NOT enjoy working out, I'm totally inspired. Taking a spinning class with her is like going to a crazy fun party where everyone is wicked hot and dances on stationary bikes. (Note: Don't dance on the bike. You're clipped in and will fall off while still remaining attached to the bike. That happened to my friend once...)

Vanessa is very fit. It's her lifestyle, it's her day job, and now, her business. She's involved with so many diverse training techniques and has narrowed down the best workouts, classes, and instructors in NYC. Serving as a Better Body Concierge, she hooks people up with tailor-made fitness schedules that are, above all things, insanely fun.

If you live in NYC and want to get together with Ness or a group of SIN clients for a workout to see what I'm talking about, shoot her a line: sinworkouts@gmail.com or follow SIN Workouts on Twitter.

Nessa cracks me up and her tweets are pretty hilarious. http://twitter.com/#!/SINWorkouts

I've been brainstorming ideas for her on my own and last night came up with what I think will be the next HUGE thing in fitness. I won't share it now, because this post is about Nessa and SIN, and I don't want to steal their thunder. But for real. My concept is like the best idea I've ever had in my entire life. Stay tuned...

The Best Thing Ever.

2011-12-23T11:09:00.006-05:00

My Christmas wish is that everyone in the world gets to have someone in their life like Mrs. Koutras. She taught me and my sisters in pre-school and has been an incredible part of our family ever since. She's hilarious, energetic, positive, loving, and the most supportive person I know. We all feel so lucky to have her in our corner. When I had my book launch in Brockport, she spent an entire day decorating the farm market. Who does that?!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FqpGx5cFoRQ&feature=player_embedded

She's my mom's bestie and the two of them get into more ridiculous situations than anyone I know. My mother actually giggles when retelling their stories.

Anyway, she's totally loved. And here's one reason why:

This morning, Mrs. K showed up to my parents' house with a coffee and corn muffin for each of them and asked them to follow her out to her car. With the driver's side door open, she blasted the stereo and played the song she had cued up, "You've Got A Friend." Standing there, stunned for a moment, my parents started to laugh before the three of them linked arms, started swaying, and sang together at the top of their lungs. "Winter, spring, summer, or faaaaalll..." In the driveway...in the rain...at 6:45 in the morning.

My mom described it as the best Christmas gift she's ever received.

Mrs. Koutras is a freaking legend. Love her to death.

A Holiday Link.

2011-12-21T10:51:00.004-05:00

This is old, but seasonal.

http://openeyedsneeze.blogspot.com/2009/12/youre-welcome.html

I think an update is in order. I didn't think it was possible, but my moves have actually improved since this was originally posted. While out dancing last week someone asked me, "What are you doing?"

If that's not an indicator that I'm breaking the dance mold, I don't know what is.

Perhaps a new holiday video coming soon, or a dance tutorial. We'll see.

War Horse.

2011-12-19T10:34:00.006-05:00

During a recent visit, I was able to attend Meredith's holiday work party for the second year in a row. I was much less nervous this year, but everyone knows that the heartbeat of a holiday party is small talk, and small talk has never been my forte. If someone taught a class called, "Small Plates, Small Talk: How to appear engaged and interesting while eating passed hors d'oeuvres" I'd take it twice.

I feel like I've learned enough about the mental health field to make a few solid "processing" jokes, but after that I'm pretty lost. While Meredith was deep in conversation with a man wearing a beret (I knew I had nothing to add to that discussion), I started chatting with someone I didn't know by commenting on the pistachios in the cannolis. It played like really early Seinfeld to a person who clearly never enjoyed Seinfeld.

Later, when Mer came over to ask if we had met I said in all seriousness, "Yes, we talked about her cannolis."

It was my own personal, "I carried a watermelon" moment.

But I think this was my finest exchange of the night:

Meredith: Jess, Alex is a vet.

Me: Oh, wow! That's amazing. Thank you so much for your service.

Alex: Um... you're welcome.

(awkward silence)

Meredith: Jess, she's a veterinarian.

Me: Right. Well, thank you for your service to puppies.

If I had any sense at all, I would have let it lie there. Instead, I nodded thoughtfully and said, "So, cats in the military. Tell me more."

A Steve Martin Original.

2011-12-16T09:46:00.001-05:00

This was the voicemail my father left for my little sister on her birthday. He sang all of it.

Happy Birthday to you,

We wish you were here too,

But you're not so we're going... to eat all your cake anyway...in your absence...

Mmmm that cake is good, here have some of this slice, no it's OK, she's not coming.

He never forgets a birthday so if you'd like to receive a Steve Martin Original voicemail on your special day, I can arrange that.

Check It!

2011-12-06T21:25:00.005-05:00

Open-Eyed Sneeze makes its first list!

Woo, and might I add, hoo!

See it here, in all its list glory

Thanks to Sean at Chamber Four for the shout-outs and support!

Couch Tour: Chicago!

2011-10-10T11:14:00.011-04:00

Katie and Allison were kind enough to host the first ever Open-Eyed Sneeze Living Room Couch Tour Book Event last night.
(The title of the tour is a work in progress.)

If unfamiliar, the basic idea is that I'm trying to spread the word about the book on a completely grassroots level-- small parties in different living rooms throughout America. I'm asking friends to invite a few buddies over for an evening of talking about the book, laughing, and hearing ideas or feedback for future work. The first leg of the tour last night could not have been any better and I have Katie and Allison to thank!

Katie has become something of a t-shirt wizard, so she made a shirt for the tour, which will now be traveling with me. I will say this again, but nothing shows support quite like a handmade t-shirt.

The snacks were incredible and in an animal theme to honor the recent book reading at the zoo. Animal crackers, pigs in a blanket, ants on a log. Classics! When's the last time you had ants on a log?!

They also made funfetti cupcakes!:

After the party, mostly 'e' cupcakes were left. Just interesting to note.

Being a couch tour, I thought that I should read to everyone on the couch.

It turns out that was a little too close for comfort.

Katie set me up on a different chair and had a water pitcher and a mug ready because she said, "People always drink water out of mugs on talk shows."

Good point.

Then I had Adam read a passage because he has the most incredible voice. And the most incredible socks.

It was super fun and I'm excited to see how these events start to take shape as I have more. Thanks to everyone who came out for the very first one and can't wait to see new and old buddies in different living rooms soon!

Jane Lynch Gets It!

2011-10-09T15:56:00.002-04:00

Went to a book signing event for Jane Lynch's new book Happy Accidents and I gave her a copy of my book. I figured, why not? I debated handing it to her and saying, "That's $16." but I didn't. I debated telling her that I saw her on the campus of Smith College over the summer, but I refrained. I debated stealing one of the grapes that the bookstore had put out for her to nosh on but I was a little nervous and just rambled through everything I had calmly practiced saying this morning in the bathroom mirror.

It was cool to see her aaaaand, she got the concept of the title, which was nice!

Here's my awkward encounter. Why why why can I never keep my cool?

"I'm gonna put this on my blog."

[ugh.]

Captive Audience.

2011-10-09T10:01:00.006-04:00

To practice for upcoming Living Room events, I decided to see if certain parts of the book faired better than others when read aloud. I didn't want to bore my friends with this, so I decided to read excerpts to animals at the zoo. It made sense in my head.

Here's how it went:

The Pygmy Hippo LOVED it. Note, after I was done, a little girl came up to the hippo and held a zoo brochure against the glass. I guess she figured he wanted something else to read on his own.

The Flamingos really didn't care. I could have had a better audience with lawn flamingos.

This Gorilla was awesome and totally came down from his tree to walk over to me. I love an active listener. Another gorilla turned his back on me and ate his poop. It was good to figure out what sort of response I want to have to that.

The Cheetah scared the hell out of me. Let's be honest. I think I read him the dedication page and left.

I put the Lions to sleep.

This guy couldn't be bothered.

My largest audience to date.

The Polar Bear swam over but then that man behind me boxed me out. Ru'.

But hands down, this little guy was the best audience at the whole zoo. He sat up, was attentive, and really enjoyed Geoff Gavett's cover art. I could be making this up, but I'm pretty sure he clapped.

Scaredy Cat.

2011-10-07T12:18:00.008-04:00

For context:

History of Wild Animal Sightings

Thinking I stepped on a cat

Surprise cats during housing search

I'm afraid of cats. Terrified is probably a more appropriate description, but people tend to roll their eyes when I say that. My fear is not without reason. For the last few years I've been followed by cats in an extremely strange way.

Walking around my neighborhood at night? Cats. Gangs of cats. Ninja cats everywhere! Popping out of corners, trailing me.

Taking the garbage out? Cats.

In a quaint little grocery store? Cats.

Meredith and I were in a small grocery store last fall and she calmly said, "Don't freak out." When I turned around, there was a huge cat right behind me, so of course I freaked out. What the hell was a cat doing in a grocery store?!

My roommate has 2 cats and I've really grown to love them but I still don't fully understand cat behavior and I don't think I ever will. One of the cats finally sat on my lap after weeks and as I was petting her, she slowly turned her head, rolled over, and bit my leg. I looked at her and said, "Hey, you came to me!" They are super cute though. Although I'm still a scaredy when it comes to random jumps onto the back of my chair, or having a tail rub against my neck.

If The Shoe Fits.

2011-10-06T19:47:00.003-04:00

I packed lightly for my move to Chicago-- as I am wont to do-- but I realized today that my favorite pair of Cons had a huge hole in them so it was time for something new. In DSW, trying on pairs of guy's shoes-- as I am wont to do-- I saw the cutest little kid run over to his mom holding up a tiny flat shoe. She looked at the shoe, and then to him, and said, "I will slap the hell out of you if you bring me another girl's shoe."

My heart broke in two.

Slipping a men's shoe off my foot, I felt my face grow red and looked to the amazing little kid with as much support as I could. I felt embarrassed by my silence.

I was a huge tomboy growing up. I cut my hair as short as I could, I wore denim tuxedos when I went to work with my dad on the weekends, whenever I played pretend I dressed in a suit and was a character named Jim, and on the daily I wore whatever I wanted on my feet. Saddle shoes were preferred but when the Reebok Pumps came out, there was no stopping me. My Pumps went with everything. And my mother happily obliged. Throughout all of the tragic fluorescent expressions of myself, my mother let me do what I needed to do. All of her acceptance and support came rushing at me while I replayed in my head what I had just heard.

I think what struck me most about the horrible interaction I saw at the shoe store was that mother's fear. She had a healthy, beautiful, engaged little boy. What was she so afraid of? That her son preferred a practical flat?

The shoes you wear can say a lot about you. True. But beyond the fashion, the style, the function, the completely ridiculous size test where a salesman presses on your toe, all anyone really wants is to feel is comfortable and supported.

Change The Date!

2011-10-05T10:40:00.003-04:00

Hold up, Chicago. This Sunday the 9th will be the first ever leg of the Living Room Couch Tour. If you're interested, holler!

This works out better because I'm going to see Jane Lynch speak about her new book on Sunday afternoon, so when I have her sign a copy, I'll politely insist that she come to my event. In my friend's living room. It's like they always say: Fair is fair. And it's like I always say: Come on Jane Lynch, just come over to my friend's house and sit on her couch while I try to think of things to say for an hour.

Scooch Over: Book Tour On Your Couch.

2011-10-04T10:26:00.004-04:00

The Open-Eyed Sneeze Living Room Book Tour is officially a go. (Michael, I heard from Tara that you thought this was a joke. It's not. It's real life.)

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you can read more here. But the basic idea is to have small events in living rooms across America to spread the word about the book and my blog/upcoming work. My friends are incredible and the support has been amazing so far. If you're in one of the following cities and interested in coming to an event, or hosting one, please do! They are sure to be hilarious, and exciting, and inspiring. (Legal Note: Ms. Martin does not guarantee that living room events will in fact be any of those things. She is, however, bringing beer.)

Here are some cities on tap:

-Boston, MA

-Washington, DC

-Boulder/Denver, CO

-New York, NY

-Greensboro, NC

-San Francisco, CA

-Rochester, NY

-Philadelphia, PA

And on Saturday, the tour will officially kick off in my friend Katie's living room in Chicago!

This is an entirely grassroots effort made possible by the support of my buddies, their amazing buddies, and you. Even if it's an epic failure, it's going to be a lot of fun. And I'll be documenting everything here so you can follow along on the weird ride.

I'm totally stoked for Saturday and currently brainstorming about how the evening should go. Any thoughts? If you came to something like this, what would you hope to see?

Stay tuned for a feature about the first event! Yay, Chicago! Yay, living rooms!

Never Had One Lesson!

2011-10-03T13:08:00.007-04:00

Saturday marked the 25th Anniversary of one of the best films ever made, Ferris Bueller's Day Off. (I have a very special place in my heart for John Hughes movies.)

To celebrate the anniversary and the city it was filmed in, Wrigley Field held an event setting up huge screens on the field, selling lawn seats and bleacher seats, and showing the film. It was freaking awesome. We were sitting in left field so when the scene came on where Ferris and his friends are in Wrigley in left field, a spotlight hit our section and everyone cheered. Watching filmed Wrigley in Wrigley, and hearing movie cheers and actual cheers all from the section we were sitting in and seeing on giant screens, was probably the most meta experience I've ever had.

Waiting to get into the stadium before everything started, Katie looked at a man standing next to us and said in a warm, nice-to-see you tone, "Woo Woo!"

I give her a hard time for knowing every person in Chicago so I thought to myself, How does she know a 70-year-old man named Woo-Woo wearing a Cubs uniform?

Turns out he's at all the games.

We were invited to his birthday party.

But I digress.

Just before the movie was about to start, two announcers came out to the field and said a representative from The Guinness Book of World Records was present and that everyone was going to be a part of trying to break a World Record. I was so excited! I recently saw that someone just broke the record for longest fingernails and it blew my mind that people are still trying to do this. Sure, you beat a record, but you couldn't use your hand for 9 years!

When the fingernail record holder hears, "It's $12.01, do you have a penny?" she probably just looks down to her 3-foot claw and then to her pocket, and sadly shakes her head.

But I digress.

I thought we were just going for the most people to ever watch Ferris together record.

I was so wrong.

It turns out we were trying to beat the record for the most people to sing in a round.

Great.

Of course, while explaining this, the announcers used the example of row row row your boat-- because never once, in the history of the world, has someone described singing in a round without using row row row your boat as the example.

The practice session was rough, to say the least. But in a twist, right before we went for the record, they told us we would be singing Danke Schoen.

Wunderbar.

This is how it went.

Hearing Danke Schoen in a round was absolute torture. I'm shocked we didn't break the record for mass suicide. It just. wouldn't. end.

When that giant mess was over, movie critics came out to talk about their thoughts on the film, and people started booing them. It was getting chilly and everyone was ready.

The movie is such a classic and the jokes still make me laugh out loud. It was a really fun night.

One for the record books.

And now I can cut my fingernails.

Makes You Wanna Shout.

2011-10-03T08:52:00.003-04:00

Met up with Laureen to catch the Bills game at a Buffalo bar in Lincoln Square yesterday. I love team bars in different cities because it's a kind of Bizarro world once you enter those doors. Yes, we're in Chicago--but the entire place smelled like wings and I'm sure if I yelled, "Shopper's Club Card!" the whole place would have started to cheer.

It was fun to look around the bar and try to guess from where in Western New York people hailed. Laureen was killing this. As soon as I walked in she said, "It's great. You got a Cortland sweatshirt at that table, that guy over there has a House of Guitars t-shirt on, and check out Flutie Flakes right here."

The people-watching continued through the fourth quarter when she said in all sincerity, "Doesn't that girl look like she has Greece Athena hair?"

Grab Bag II.

2011-09-29T09:55:00.007-04:00

A mix of things. If you need more, you can go here.

-I received a Groupon notice today for 61% off a psychic reading. Would anyone redeeming this really be all that impressed by any of the psychic's findings? "She knew I like value and savings! How did she know that?!"

-Speaking of value and savings, has anyone seen Extreme Couponing on TLC? I'm disturbed by how many people on that show stockpile diapers even though they don't have children.

-The $5 donation for a chance to win dinner with President Obama has been reduced to a $3 minimum donation. The fine print of this fundraising tactic points out that the dinner has been changed to a six inch sub from the original Footlong.

-I'm offended when people in front of me at the grocery store checkout put one of those separator things on the conveyer belt. I feel like they're implying something when they do that. Either that I'm an idiot and won't be able to tell when my single half gallon of almond milk has disappeared, or that I'm trying to cheat them in some way. I almost always have to stop myself from saying, "Hi, I'm not trying to steal from you. Or have you buy my groceries. How could I possibly benefit from you taking the things I need home with you?"

-As I ate my third donut of the morning today, I started reading an article about cooking oils you should always avoid, but then decided against it.

-The fact that pretty much NO ONE in the mainstream media is covering the Occupy Wall Street protest is insane. If there were thousands and thousands of cats gathered together in lower Manhattan, every news outlet in the world would be there. It would be the last minute spotlight of every evening news broadcast in the nation.

"And finally tonight, look at all these cats! Man, cats are weird. Good night, everyone."

Has America lost its taste for revolution? If YouTube and viral videos existed in Colonial times, would we even be a nation today? Or would John Locke have been too busy with the kitten on a treadmill link to think of anything original. If the media won't cover a group of people crying out for social, political, and economic change, we owe it to ourselves to take notice and support them.

Good Point, Andy Rooney.

2011-09-28T11:49:00.005-04:00

Andy Rooney will be leaving 60 Minutes after 300 million years on the air. He'll be missed... by someone... maybe.

Perhaps it's a generational thing, but I never considered any of his observations to be clever, or thoughtful, or enjoyable. I think I saw a segment once where he went off on pencils. Thanks for that important piece on why you hate everything, Andy!

Andy Rooney is like a rock star for the old people who always send their soup back at restaurants. These types of people don't need a rock star, because they most likely hate their rock star. Regardless of age, people who love to complain only love that-- to complain. The fact that Andy Rooney was elevated to some sort of cultural icon just by ranting about things that annoyed him doesn't make any sense. Where Seinfeld was able to make "It's funny because it's true" observations, Andy Rooney always just made me mad. After all of his 60 Minute segments I would end up yelling at the TV, "We get, Andy! You hate everything!"

Gah! I've been Rooneyed! I'm ranting about Andy Rooney. Not cool, I'm sorry.

But I suppose a 300 million year career is to be celebrated. Congrats, Mr. Rooney.

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Experiment.

2011-09-27T11:37:00.002-04:00

As an unknown author and unknown person, really, it's hard to create and maintain buzz about the book Open-Eyed Sneeze through this blog alone. Social media is obviously a tool, but facebook changes everyday and my twitter account seems to be followed mostly by porn spam and restaurants. Not exactly my target audience.

So what's a girl to do?

Ideally, I'd like Open-Eyed Sneeze to be the go-to gift for graduates. How many of you received Oh, The Places You'll Go! for graduation? I'm guessing a lot. I have three copies of that book. But if people are going to know about Open-Eyed Sneeze by May, I have to get the word out on my end. In an effort to do this, I'm starting something new and I would LOVE LOVE LOVE if you could be a part of it.

Here's what's up:

I'm starting what I like to think of as the Tupperware Party of the indie-publishing world. I'm calling it, "The Open-Eyed Sneeze National Living Room Book Tour."

Here's how it works:

You're a friend of mine, or get in touch with me, and you invite some buddies over. I show up with books, a case of domestic beer, and stories. The evening can be set up in anyway you like.

-If you're inviting your book club/writing pals, we can talk about the book, or the publishing process, or writing, or anything.

-If you're inviting friends and just want to drink the beer I bring, we can chill.

-I can perform what's known to no one as sit-down comedy, which is basically just me talking on your sofa, trying to come up with a routine as I go. (I've done this for my grandma and she lurves it. It hasn't been tested anywhere else.)

-These can be like mini-launches, a way for me to meet new people around the country, spread the word, and write along the way-- A new blog will document the tour.

What do you think? Is there any interest in this at all? I'll be putting up a list of possible tour cities and if you live in one and think you might want to get in on the fun, let me know. All living room tour groups will have their own featured post on the blog, and, um, the beer.

I realize the goals of this are a little vague right now. But that hasn't stopped the thousands of people currently camped out on Wall Street. Sometimes, it's just nice to get together!

Feedback greatly appreciated.

What, What, What Is Happening?

2011-09-26T12:58:00.003-04:00

I saw an advertisement for Sauna Pants. Sauna Pants.

I am without speech.

Please add these to the original list found here.

Big Buck Hunter World Championship!

2011-09-26T09:58:00.008-04:00

You read the title of this post correctly. Big Buck Hunter, the bar game that you know and love, has a WORLD Championship. When I heard that the Championship is held in Chicago every year I thought, hmm, that's neat. But when I found out that Jesse P had qualified and was competing for the ladies title, my head nearly exploded.

I should note that I have a long history and supreme respect for World Championship titles. Growing up my mom would influence us to do pretty much anything by telling us we were competing for the World Championship. Although she also persuaded my little sister to bathe by dropping Double Dare references and asking her if she accepted the "Physical Challenge." The Physical Challenge was just using shampoo. But I digress.

Anytime my mother tired of playing Connect Four with me or my sisters, she would say in a very slow, very serious tone, "OK. This last game is for the World Championship Title. Champion of the World. One last game."

These were big moments in my childhood.

So knowing that Jesse was competing for an actual title, in pretty much the most awesome event ever, made the Big Buck Hunter Championship a must-see. I can honestly say, it didn't disappoint.

Before heading over to the Cubby Bear where the event was held, Katie and I made t-shirts to show our support. Technology has improved almost every facet of our lives, but nothing says "We're here for you!" better than a handmade t-shirt.

Mine was an epic fail. Obviously.

Jesse got us in as VIPs which was hilarious and awesome so we drank and ate for free, and took way too many free BBH beer koozies and wrist sweatbands, which Katie ripped off after five minutes, exclaiming, "It's too hot in these!" Ah, yes. If only Leonardo DiCaprio's character in Titanic had had a few wrist sweatbands to stay warm.

The atmosphere in the bar was incredible. People dressed in random shit, photographers, videographers, people being interviewed, just an amazing vibe leading up to the start of the competition. I was literally making myself sick with excitement (and free quesadillas) and couldn't stop smiling.

Jesse's friend Mary was also competing so we knew TWO possible champions! When I asked them why they didn't dress in camo, they replied that they wanted to stand out. Great line. They were both calm and collected while I freaked out as their player profiles came across all the tv screens in the bar.

Mary actually took out the top-ranked girl in the 1st round and it was such a huge upset that she got cheers and up-top high fives from everyone in the bar. It was insane!

Jesse dominated round after round and ended up placing 4th! In the world. It.... was awesome.

It was such a blast and Mary and Jesse were both stars. Congrats you guys!

Blank Stare: Park Bench Edition.

2011-09-22T11:16:00.002-04:00

Two separate stories here from two different park benches.

The first comes from an old man sitting on a park bench smoking as I jogged by:

Old man: Run faster!

Me: [Blank stare.]

The second involves me sitting on a park bench reading and a man with a bag of peanuts and seeds coming up to stand right next to me before throwing handfuls of nuts around my feet.

Me: [Blank stare.]

Man: [Blank stare. Throwing stuff.]

Every pigeon and squirrel in the park: Oooh, free shit by that girl's feet! Let's ride!

Man: [Walks away, leaving me surrounded and trapped by park critters.]

Me: [Blank stare.]

Really, Footloose Remake? Really?

2011-09-21T10:50:00.004-04:00

Note: For full dramatic effect please listen to this song while you read.

Just saw a trailer for the new Footloose movie.

"Footloose 2: My Foot's Still Loose?" you ask.

No, kind reader. Not Footloose 2. Just regular old Footloose. Actually, the same exact Footloose you saw in the 80's only with a new cast and dancing scenes pulled from Stomp The Yard instead of Grease.

Other than that, everything is the same. Everything.

Storyline? The same.

Dancing away frustrations in an abandoned building? The same.

Old VW bug? The same.

This one freaking killed me! When I saw that the character in the remake was driving the same old yellow bug that Kevin Bacon's character drove, I couldn't effing believe it. I suppose it's better than the bad-ass renegade outsider driving a more current VW Bug, putting flowers in his little cup before tearing up the town one pop-lock-and-drop move at a time. But still. They couldn't change one thing in the remake?! Seriously? The freaking bug had to stay?!

It's slightly upsetting that an entire generation of youngsters is going to think this is the Footloose that we're talking about when we talk about Footloose. It's not. And if the makers of this film were willing to use the same VW bug but don't include "Let's Hear It For The Boy" during the learning to dance montage, I will get up and walk straight out of the theatre. Because let's be honest, I'm obviously going to see this.

How To Succeed At A Craft Fair Without Really Trying.

2011-09-16T09:00:00.000-04:00

I normally don't get into crafts at all. After I met Amy Sedaris and dropped $30 on her craft book for poor people I realized the irony. I hate crafts and $30 was way too much to spend on a book that reminded me of that, particularly because I was totally poor.

As previously mentioned, I hit up a craft fair last weekend with two buddies from my hometown. There were artists peddling all sorts of handmade clothes, jewelry, posters, and cards. You have to be a very judicious shopper at craft sales. Surrounded by crafts and craft enthusiasts, anything knitted seems completely necessary. It's like when you're on a beach vacation and think getting your hair braided is a good idea.

Obviously, there were a lot of birds on things.

But Suzanne also noted how many words were on things. "So many words!"

If you planned your outfit accordingly, you could have a message on everything you were wearing and holding.

If you want to succeed at a craft fair just put one of these things on something:

-A bike on something

-A whale on something

-An animal wearing a suit on something.

-A Mustache/beard on something. (Seriously, people? Still not over this?)

-An eyepatch on something

-A Chicago flag on something

-A random food item like a Pop Tart on something

I say, be bold! Put a single sideburn on something! A pogo-stick! Buffalo's city flag! (It's pretty sweet, look it up.) Or do whatever you want, I guess I don't really care. Just stop making totes.

Your Clever Names Aren't Fooling Anyone.

2011-09-15T14:51:00.002-04:00

Dear Nail Polish,

Who do you think you are? $8.50 for half an ounce?! Do you realize a gallon of paint costs $35 but a gallon of nail polish would cost $2,176? Do you think you're better than paint?! You are paint, motherfucker. Nail paint! You probably show up to your paint family reunions and speak in a slightly different accent than the last time you all met up, correcting everyone any chance you get.

-Jack! How the hell are you?

-It's Jacques, actually. You don't know Jacques.

Do you know you're pretty much the most unreliable paint there is? You smudge, chip, run-- if actual paint did that we would have to paint our rooms like 73 times a year. And you're the reason toe-separators exist! The fact that I just had to type out "toe-separators" and people will know what I'm talking about is ridiculous! Aren't you embarrassed?! Have you no shame, Nail Polish? Have you no shame at all?

Fries Are Ready!

2011-09-15T09:33:00.003-04:00

When I was in high school, bowling was a gym unit. It was a coveted gym unit. And why wouldn't it be? Because what would you rather do? Change into nasty gym clothes to run, orrr keep your normal clothes on, take the bus over to Brockport Bowl, and hang out with your friends for 80 minutes?

Brockport Bowl was a local business that had clearly worked out some sort of deal with the school to convince educators that an increased heart rate could be achieved with 10 frames of alternating turns to toss a ball. Plus, the bowling alley was only about a mile from our school and we easily could have walked over there but we always took a bus. It was like the entire unit was challenging us to move as little as possible. AND they opened their snack bar during gym class hours. So the first thing everyone did after getting their shoes was place an order for mozzarella sticks. Hearing, "Fries are ready!" over the speakers at Brockport Bowl is so engrained in my mind that I can't look at anything related to bowling without saying it.

I took a lot of bowling units.

When I first started, the idea was that we would learn how to keep score. But with the introduction of electronic scoring, all there was left to do was laugh, eat fries, and try to get a strike bowling lefty with a 6-pound ball.

I have NO idea how bowling continued to be a part of our physical education.

Anyway, I bring this up only to highlight the mysteries that surround bowling alleys and their ways of operating. A few months ago we stopped at a bowling and found their hours to be:

Wednesday: 8:30-11:30 AM

Thursday: 12:30-4:00 PM

Saturday 6:00-9:00 PM.

Convenient!

Nothing says rise and shine quite like an 8:30AM bowl.

And is it 1:00 o'clock on a Thursday? Grab your 9-pounder! Let's hit the lanes.

Also, I found a bowling alley in Chicago the other day on the second floor of a building. Who's genius idea was that? The retail/restaurant space below it was totally vacant with a sign saying it was available for lease. Go figure. I'm semi-tempted to open up a place called "Fries Are Ready" but I think that would be too large of an investment just to tip my hat at an old high school gym joke that only I would appreciate.

FOR-EV-ER Stamps.

2011-09-14T09:16:00.002-04:00

Newman: Oh, calm down everyone. No one's cancelling any mail.
Kramer: Oh, yes I am.
Newman: What about your bills?
Kramer: The bank can pay 'em.
Newman: The bank. What about your cards and letters?
Kramer: E-mail, telephones, fax machines. Fedex, telex, telegrams, holograms.
Newman: All right, it's true! Of course nobody needs mail. What do you think, you're so clever for figuring that out? But you don't know the half of what goes on here. So just walk away, Kramer. I beg of you.

Recent news that the US Postal Service is struggling with $9 Billion worth of debt can't really come as a surprise to anyone who has ever waited in line at the Post Office. In the time that it took me to buy a book of stamps (27 minutes) I was able to figure out what seems to be escaping the higher-ups at the USPS: Postal Employees are no dummies. These workers understand that the mail NEVER stops. If they were to move at a rate that kept up with demand, they'd have one really long-ass difficult workday, everyday. They know that no matter how slowly they move, people will still come. It's actually a brilliant little system they've worked out for themselves. Except the whole part about the inefficiency bankrupting the entire Postal Service.

In the 27-minutes I waited to buy stamps, four customers were served. This was one exchange I overheard:

Customer: Hi, I was in here yesterday. Do you remember me?

Postal Employee: (Taking her time like examining a line-up) That box you're holding looks familiar. And so do you.

Customer: OK, because I wanted to send this to California, you see? To this address? But it arrived at my house today.

Postal Employee: (Slowly got out of her seat like she'd been dipped in wet cement. Picked up the box and examined all six sides of it. Took off her glasses, looked at stickers, put her glasses on, tapped her fingers on the box)

Me: [Blank Stare.]

Postal Employee: Sir, what's happened is that you wanted to send this box to this address here, but they've actually sent it to your return address. They sent this to you.

Me: [Deep Breath.]

Customer: Yes, that's exactly what happened.

Postal Employee: So would you still like it sent to California?

Customer: Please.

To his credit, he was very, very patient.

I think the only way to calmly wait at the Post Office is to assume that you're being filmed for some sort of John Quinones Primetime special.

Shall We? 2.0

2011-09-13T07:09:00.002-04:00

Back in 2008, I wrote a post about dance shows because I couldn't believe how many were on the air. Back then the list included:

Dancing With The Stars
America's Best Dance Crew
America's Best Dance Crew Season 2 (But shouldn't it actually be called America's Second Best Dance Crew?)
Step It Up And Dance
So You Think You Can Dance?
Your Mama Don't Dance
Dance War: Bruno vs. CarryAnn
Dancelife
The Deadliest Dance on the Discovery Channel
Ice Road Dancers
Law & Order: Flap Ball Change Unit
Iron Dance America
How I Met Your Dancer
My House is Worth Dance?
Ellen
And Dance Dance Dance Dance Dance which is currently in pre-production

Since then, we can add to the list:

Dance Your Ass Off

Dance Your Face Off

Dance Your Ass Face Off

Who You Calling Ass Face?: Dance Off Challenge 3000

Dance Moms

Live To Dance

Born To Dance

Die Dancing

Paranormal Dance on A&E

Dancing With With The Sharks- Shark Week Special

Hoarders Dance Edition: Shoes, Leotards, and No Room To Dance.

Nathaniel from Yo Gabba Gabba now has his own reality series

and Ellen.

It really annoys me when people say there's nothing on TV. Clearly, they're not looking hard enough.

I Lied.

2011-09-12T09:03:00.004-04:00

So I know I said this article by Chamber Four was the book's first review, but that wasn't entirely accurate. I met up with some of Brockport's finest over the weekend to walk around a craft fair in beautiful Wicker Park and I was reminded that Suzanne actually gave me my first review...AND my first (and youngest) fan! Not only was this the nicest email I've ever received, it was also far and away the cutest.

Thanks again, Suzanne!

Jess,

I hope I can say this without sounding like a big giant weirdo...

#1. Attached are pictures of my daughter..which as you can see, is your youngest, yet biggest fan :)

#2. So I taught for 8 years and couldn't get enough of taking classes about reading and writing. I went through the National Writing Project (not saying this for you to be all, "Wow Suzanne, you have really gone places after that Europe trip", but wanting you to know that I feel like I know what I am talking about when it comes to this stuff.

One of my favorite authors is Ralph Fletcher. I love his writing and his writing about writing. He tells kids, "Writers don't live extraordinary lives, they just look at life in an extraordinary way" He always talks about the way writers notice the world around them...THAT is what makes them a writer. Those words have helped me create lots and lots of little writers in this world...

Long story long, you ARE this quote. I am only 3 chapters in to open eyed sneeze, and am so impressed by the way you notice and express your "noticings". Amazing. Extraordinary. absolutely love it!!!!

#3. I am thrilled for you and hope that this is just the beginning of a very successful writing career!!!

So....my apologies if I sounded like a weirdo, but big-ups, Martin!!!

Open-Eyed Sneeze- It's hilarious!

It's surprising!

It's thought provoking.

It's Not A Great Story.

2011-09-02T16:02:00.003-04:00

I haven't gone shopping in a long time but lately I've noticed that the new big thing with salespeople is to ask you why you need the clothes for which you're shopping. All of a sudden you have to have some sort of story to go along with your need to buy a shirt. I encountered this a lot when shopping for book events. I'm terrible with small talk and have trouble believing that perfect strangers care why I'm doing anything, so I always hated these conversations.

Salesperson: What are you shopping for today?

Me: Clothes.

Salesperson: Have a special event coming up?

Me: Well, yeah actually. I published my first book and I'm having a party.

Salesperson: Well belts are 30% off. Let me know if you need a different size.

I have no idea why they engage you in conversation only to redirect whatever you say to accessories.

Also, I sincerely dislike shopping. Trying on clothes is bad enough but walking in malls past the five million different smells makes me sick. Bath and Body Works, Abercrombie smell, Cinnabon (totally acceptable), Yankee Candle, perfume counters. If you were to lead a blindfolded dog through a mall they would eventually learn how to talk and say, "I have no fucking clue where we are." And now, on top of everything else, I have to explain my reasoning for being in a store.

Salesperson: What are you looking for today?

Me: My daughter. I lost her six years ago and I think she might be in the dressing room. Excuse me.

Anyway, this was an exchange I had with a store employee today:

Salesperson: Hi, there! Can I help you find anything today?

Me: I don't think so, but thank you.

Salesperson: Well are you looking for anything in particular?

Me: Pants.

Salesperson. OK, great. Why do you need pants?

Me: To go out in public, mostly.

Blank Stare: Airport Edition.

2011-08-16T12:41:00.005-04:00

This was the recent exchange I had with a TSA official at airport security:

TSA: Sir, do you have anything in your pockets?

Me: (Pause.)

TSA: Oh, I'm sorry Ma'am. I was looking at your pants.

I was wearing jeggings.

There. Perfect.

2011-08-08T09:50:00.003-04:00

Yesterday, as I sat on the bus in the pouring rain, I saw a woman walking down the street in a full length raincoat (where do you buy those outside of fishing supply stores?) and a shower cap. Normally, we'll see a rain bonnet. You really have to be a confident person to wear a rain bonnet in public. Ten times out of ten I'd rather have wet hair than walk around a city looking like this:

But the shower cap was a first for me.

Waiting on the bus at a crowded stop, I watched the woman walk on the other side of the street, adjusting her shower cap and then looking at her reflection in every storefront window as she passed. Sometimes she would stop and mess around with it a little. All the way up? No, adjust. To the side like a beret? Maybe. Which side? This one? This one? No, let's try it all the way up again.

I felt like getting off the bus, making my way over to her, grabbing her gently by the shoulders and reminding her in a calm tone, "Ma'am. It's a shower cap. Just keep walking."

Yes! And...

2011-08-05T06:57:00.002-04:00

So, this is happening tonight in Rhode Island!

I'll be reading from the book and possibly joining a few sketches--yikes!-- so if you're in the area, you should obviously come check out Boom Scones!

I'm obviously nervous about this. I get nervous when I have to try a new bus route. All I really know about improv is the "yes and" rule that says you should always agree with what is said and then build on it. My biggest fear is that I'll freeze and just say no. Damn you, elementary school drug abuse resistance education!

I may or may not spend my morning reading the wikipedia page for improvisation. I'm not telling.

First Review!

2011-08-01T09:54:00.004-04:00

Here's a link to the first ever book review for Open-Eyed Sneeze!

Reviews always make things feel more official. That's why I never buy a product on TV until I've listened to one of those personal testimonials about how the product changed someone's life. The reviews for pajama jeans pushed me to buy nine pairs.

REVIEW: Open-Eyed Sneeze

By SEAN CLARK, on July 29th, 2011

Author: Jess Martin

2011

Filed Under: Memoir, Nonfiction,Short-run

Get a copy from Harvard Book Store

C4 Ratings...out of	10
Language.....	8
Entertainment.....	9
Depth.....	7

A self-published memoir by a twenty-something detailing that horrible, floaty time between college graduation and embarking on some sort of path into adulthood? You can’t get much lower on the list of books I’d expect to like. Despite that, when Jess Martin released her book through the Harvard Bookstore (where we run the paperback versions of our own literary ventures), I supported a local artist* and read it all the same. I’m really glad that I did. It is, by any measure, a very good read.

The plot, much like the point in her life Martin relates, appears pretty directionless at first. She writes about finishing college and returning home to her parents, where she intended to collect herself before stepping out into the real world. But she finds herself stymied and winds up napping on the couch and emailing the occasional resume.

As the book goes on, Open-Eyed Sneeze reveals a lot of gears turning: it’s at once wacky family drama, a coming of age from a second childhood, and a microcosmic metaphor, all speaking to a generation of talented young adults for whom college degrees are inflated and the job market is deflated.

It’s also funny. This is risky business, as there’s nothing more annoying than a book that continually tosses up taters for jokes and expects the reader to laugh as they continually fall flat. Luckily, Martin’s wit, while sometimes dry and acerbic, has a gentleness and graciousness that softens the edges. It works well:

It’s no longer enough to have a job, now it should be the job of my dreams.Which is what, exactly? I have no idea. I’m never working in my dreams. In my dreams I’m made of Fluff and can eat my own face. I’ll just take a regular job, thanks.

Humor alone can rarely carry a book, of course. Here it works as a reinforcement to a strong narratorial voice, one that somehow manages to be authorial in its timidity:

The difficulty in saying what I want lies in the fear of never having it, or fear of having it but not liking it. I bet that’s true for a lot of people…We’re a society obsessed with success and the first to ridicule those who find it. Thus, we try not to shout out what we really want so as to avoid anyone hearing it and holding us to it.

So she muses, and she plays, and she naps. She spends time with her grandmother who continually force-feeds her, and with her parents who think she still has a shot at being an astronaut. She’s back at home, afraid of being thought a failure. But for once she’s not doing what she’s supposed to do, and thus a sense of individuality seems to blossom. (Though given the idiosyncrasies she relates, I very much doubt uniqueness was ever a problem for Martin.)

Most importantly for a young memoirist, she’s quite insightful–see her tongue-in-cheek comparison of “Modern Artist vs. Realist”–and has an uncanny knack for drawing connections between her occasionally tangential musings and the bigger thought arc at work.

Trying to expound upon the arrested development, or failure to launch, or any other cliched term for the oft-delayed transition from child to adult, without coming across as whiny or, worse, arrogant, is no easy task. Always offered trophies and promised the world, many of us left college still sporting training wheels and expected to place in a bike race. But of course there is no on-switch for being an adult. For Jess Martin, like many others, all she could do was wander and wonder. As many have discovered, that’s an important step in the process. I’m glad Jess had the bright idea to document it.

Similar Reads: The Voting Booth After Dark (Garcia)

*[Disclaimer: I know Jess Martin. Our acquaintance is not of the variety where it would have an influence on my opinion of this book.]

Bored Much?

2011-07-26T21:32:00.003-04:00

Sometimes when I'm bored online I look at the recently added shows on Hulu and try to guess what they're about. It's like balderdash only different.

All the cake shows are an easy guess. There are SO many cake shows. I love cake, but seriously people? How many cake shows are you really interested in watching?

Oooh, what's the cake going to be? Oh, will it fall? Ooh, icing. Oooh, fondant people. Oooh, cake drama.

Note: I'm not hating. I've probably watched more cake shows than anyone. Being unemployed requires that you watch at least three hours of cake shows a week. Food network competitions count.

But I digress.

The point is, there are so many random shows on Hulu that most of the time my guess is nowhere close.

Take for example, this gem; a little show called Yam Roll.

I'm pretty tired and didn't put much effort into it, but I guessed it was a cartoon about the adventures of a dog named Yam Roll.

Man, was I off.

Here's the summary from Hulu:

Yam Roll is the story of an exotic land of sushi and how one of its inhabitants, a super-powered taxi driver named Yam Roll, braves monsters, bad guys and barking dogs all in the name of unrequited love.

Well done, writer of Yam Roll synopsis. Well done.

Like.

2011-07-26T19:38:00.002-04:00

Just a friendly reminder that I'm trying to beat Justin Bieber in number of "likes" on my facebook page by tomorrow.

I'm off by about 34 million.

If you're able to click things-- and you are because you got this far-- will you kindly like my Author Page? There are contests (not really), games (made that up), and fun prizes (there are no prizes.)

Thanks a lot. I like you.

Happy Birthday, Mer!

2011-07-18T09:29:00.012-04:00

Today is this girl's birthday!

Here's a Top 27 list for her. Top 26 lists are so yesterday.

Meredith, The Top 27 reasons why you're my favorite:

27) You're hilarious. You make me laugh until I cry.

26) You have the best little voices and create the most memorable characters with them. Your accents are also incredible.

25) You always know when a camera is out and can pose perfectly for a candid shot. I'll never ever know how to do that.

24) You're the most thoughtful person I know. You remember so many things about the people in your life and consistently make those closest to you feel special.

23) You are the Queen of the to-do list. It's inspiring to someone like me.

22) You inspire me.

21) The people who have your support have SO MUCH SUPPORT! You're the best cheerleader, believer, high-fiver, smiling face any person who is attempting to do something could ask for. You have complete confidence in the people you love and the proof of it comes in your matter of fact nods when I mention how amazing your friends are. "Yeah. I know. They're wonderful."

20) You're silly! Your funny walks/noises/faces, your insistence on making me blush in public, your childlike wonder for the world and the million other things you do that make me actually giggle, are some of the best things about you.

Mer Thought Bubble: Ok, I'm just going to take your phone from you...

And push you in the pool like so...

Too soon, perhaps?

19) You read children stories better than anyone I know. The way you recite the names from Make Way For Ducklings is AMAZING.

18) You scream in excitement when you see ducks. And hippos. And hedgehogs. And french bulldogs. And baby birds. And baby bunnies. And babies. You're turning 27 but really you're 6.

17) Your voice has so much soul. I love when you really get into a song and put your hands out and spread your fingers and close your eyes and just kill it. Even if it's to Celine. I still effing love it.

16) You swear a lot when driving and clearly learned to drive in Massachusetts, but have learned to let people cross at crosswalks and sometimes even let cars in! You're growing!

15) Best movie buddy a girl could have.

14) When I dance around you never make me feel like I can't dance. Which, obviously, I can't.

13) You love your fam and light up when you tell stories about them.

12) You buy cards for friends months in advance, take pictures of things that remind you of them, and text when remembering inside jokes. You carry the people you love in your heart.

11) You're a wonderful pen-pal and getting mail from you is such a happy feeling.

10) Your eyes

9) Your laugh

8) Your kiss

7) Your heart

6) Your love

5) Your hopes

4) Your girlfriend (she's really something.)

3) The adventures we've shared together.

2) The adventures waiting in the wings. (wings! black swan!)

1) That you gave me a chance to love you.

Spending my Boston years with you is pretty much the best thing to ever happen to me.

You're my best friend, Mer. Happy birthday!

First Book Store Event!

2011-07-11T12:03:00.005-04:00

Last Thursday marked the first time I talked about the book to a group of people I didn't know. The previous OES events have basically been love-fests of old friends, new friends, family, and buds of family. When I walked into the Harvard Book Store and recognized no one, I immediately started sweating. I meekly approached the information desk and said, "Hi, I'm Jess Martin... I'm, um, speaking here tonight..."

The night's MC Heather introduced herself and her friendliness put me at ease until she started talking about the works of the other writers who would be speaking that night. One man's story recounted the years spent being schooled under Mussolini's fascist regime after he was taken from his family.

Growing bright red, I quietly begged, "Please don't say I'm following him."

Heather shook her head. "He'll go last."

(Cue audible exhale.)

Could you imagine me following an 80-year-old Italian man and his incredible life story with a talk about why my parents are weird?

Anyway, while I was waiting for Meredith to park the car, I walked around the store airing out my sweaty shirt and ran into a familiar face! Marietta is in town visiting Amalia and was SO incredibly kind to come to the book store! It was such a nice surprise! Thanks again, Marietta!

And then, moments before we started, I saw a smiling bearded face looking at me and I was like, hmm, looks like Jimmy. And it was! Jimmy is the little brother of my best friend growing up and I have not seen him in YEARS. He and his girl Beth drove into town for the event and they're my new favorite couple. Funny, intelligent, well-spoken, adorable. And they both do improv. Hello?! Love. It was totally amazing of them to come! Thanks again you guys!

With that said, I was still a nervous wreck. But I like that I'll be able to remember how nervous/sweaty/shaky I was. It just shows that it was important to me. It was a fun experience and I'm totally grateful to the book store for the opportunity.

Here's the talk: Warning: It's Awkward.

A Book Is Born!

2011-07-08T06:26:00.004-04:00

The event last night at Harvard Book Store was amazing and I particularly loved watching the printing of Open-Eyed Sneeze on Paige, the book-making robot from the future, but really from yesterday. Thanks again to everyone at the book store!

Had To.

2011-06-28T17:17:00.005-04:00

When Mer and I arrived in Brockport, we drove down Main Street and she shouted for me to pull over and take a picture by the Strand. I've told her numerous times about the middle school ritual of going to see a movie with my friends and then running out to the phone to call my mom to pick me up so I wasn't the last one there.

Isn't it weird to remember life before cell phones? How did people ever get in touch with one another? I forget. When we were kids and went to the mall with my parents, we ALWAYS lost each other. It wasn't a trip to the mall for us without hearing a store-wide page over the intercom that said, "Martin family, please meet your father at the information kiosk."

Anyway, a pic of the Strand.

Brockport, Je T'aime. Part Deux.

2011-06-27T21:16:00.005-04:00

More pics from the Open-Eyed Sneeze event at Esther's. Thanks again everyone!

Brockport, Je T'aime.

2011-06-27T15:50:00.004-04:00

The third leg of the Open-Eyed Sneeze Tour brought me back to my hometown, Brockport, NY. Thanks to the generosity of Esther's Farm Market, I was able to have the book event in the most appropriate Brockport venue imaginable.

I worked at Esther's throughout high school when my family's farm ran the market and I spent countless hours serving up ice cream, laughing with friends, selling pumpkins and apples in the fall, corn and strawberries in the summertime, Christmas trees in the winter, you name it. The job was a blast and I have so many smile lines because of the memories I made there. I loved that I was able to reconnect with so many wonderful people from my past in the market that sits on my family's farm. It felt exactly how coming home should feel.

I'm also so incredibly lucky to come from a town where people always nod and smile genuinely when you share an idea. Do you know how freeing it is to have that kind of support? People route for each other in Brockport. It's freaking amazing and completely humbling.

OK, love letter over. But a huge thank you to the following people:

-Carolyn and Esther's Farm Market

-My mom and Mrs. Koutras for decorating the Market like something from a French Country magazine geared toward boutique literary events involving old farm equipment and cookies. It's a niche magazine. Limited circulation.

-The amazing people who came to support the book and say hello. I loved seeing all of you!

-Brockport Schools. So proud of my public school education.

-The town in general for being such a friendly place to grow up. Nice people are underrated but 10 times out of ten will make your day.

Mrs. Koutras and my mom spent the morning putting the finishing touches on the market and made me wait outside for the reveal. Here's video of the pre-event reveal.

More pics to come! Thanks again B-town!

Yay Brockport!

2011-06-20T10:12:00.002-04:00

Check out this nice mention of the Brockport Open-Eyed Sneeze event!

Thanks, Mrs. Radack!

2011-06-17T12:09:00.004-04:00

I attribute my love of telling stories to three defining factors in my early life.

1) My Aunt Sophie's kitchen table.

When we were kids and would visit my family in Long Island, I used to love to wake up in the morning and find everyone sitting around my Aunt Sophie's kitchen table eating Entenmann's, drinking coffee, and laughing. I would squeeze my little fat kid self around the table, kissing everyone good morning, looking for find a good seat for coffee cake (obvi) and the best people-watching view. My mom's side of the family is very good at telling and listening to stories and the exchanges that took place in that kitchen really made me appreciate things like timing, facial expressions, the importance of not laughing at your own joke until other people have started to laugh-- basically, I learned how to tell a story out loud by listening to what worked around that table.

It should be noted that my mom's side of the family is quite loud and the huge bursts of laughter that followed some stories fascinated me. I wanted to know what caused that laughter, why some things people said just cracked everyone up so much. So I spent my time shoving my face with chocolate covered donuts watching everyone as a story was told. I learned a lot about a lot about repetition, a lot about the importance of the unexpected, and a lot about repetition. One of the biggest accomplishments that I can point to in my life is when I first told a story around that table that made everyone laugh until they cried. I felt like I had figured something out.

2) Bunk Beds.

Nessa and I shared bunk beds when we were little and before we went to sleep every night she'd ask me to tell her a story. I'd ask her to give me character names and a word, any word, and I'd make up a little story. I never knew when she fell asleep because she was on top bunk and I think that lack of pressure, just being able to talk and talk helped me think about what I liked to talk about. The things that I like to talk about are pretty much the same things that I like to write about.

3) My fifth grade teacher, Mrs. Radack.

Mrs. Radack was the first person outside of my family to see something in my writing. She used to read the stories I wrote as soon as I finished them and I'm convinced that her incredibly positive feedback and encouragement gave me the confidence I needed at that age. Encourage a kid, people! You have know idea what it might do for them! (Cue music and star graphic: The more you know...)

Anyway, I received this email from Mrs. Radack and I had to share. Note: Perhaps my Ontario video report is a video blog for the future.

Dear Jessica
I am very disappointed that I can't attend your book signing. I am going to Philadelphia to visit my daughter and we have tickets to see the phillies play. I would like five copies of your book please. One for me and four others: Emily, Jane, and two more.
I wish you all the best. I certainly enjoyed the writing of your ten year old self...the description of the fishing show pops into my mind. The video report of Ontario was also very memorable.
I hope to make your next book signing.
Love
Mary Radack

Homegrown.

2011-06-16T05:56:00.003-04:00

Returning to Brockport and the farm for a book event next Saturday, June 25th. If you read this and live in the area, I'd love to see you. It's going to be a lot of fun! Or not. But won't not knowing drive you crazy?

Wait Mr. Postman!

2011-06-14T13:34:00.003-04:00

If I were to give a guided tour of the journey of my book and its attempts to be published, I'd have pit stops at post offices around the country. The United States Postal Service and my book have a long history.

It all started in a little post office in the Haight in San Francisco, where I waited with seven thick envelopes full of query letters and sample chapters to be sent out to the first round of literary agents. I remember everything about that day. Waiting in the long line, fanning all the envelopes out so people around me could see the addresses in New York and key words like, "Agency" and "Books" and "Media Group." I desperately wanted someone to ask me what I was sending because I was so excited about it. No one did. But I remember sending texts to my most important people as soon as I left the post office. "Sent them out!"

This was back in early 2007. After numerous returns to that post office in the Haight, I made my way to the post office in Astoria, Queens where I continued to search for representation for my manuscript. Those visits were somewhat less charming. The most horrible man in the world worked the window there and never cared what I was doing. I hated the Queens post office and wasted a lot of time and a lot of money sending things out there.

The tiny tiny little post office in Clarkson, NY was always good to me, and the postal employee smiled as I came in once a week with a new batch of samples to be sent out. "I'm trying to publish a book" I sheepishly offered one day. He just smiled and nodded.

What was I expecting?

When I moved to Boston, I sent almost everything out by email. It was cheaper, faster, and preferred by almost everyone in the publishing industry. The JP post office is important to me because that's where I sent off my agent/author agreement when I finally found representation. We all know how that turned out...

Anyway, today I went to the post office to send out a few new orders. People have been buying my book online and I just about pee my pants every time this happens. When the postal worker asked me if the envelope contained anything perishable, poisonous, flammable, blah blah blah, I answered no.

"Is it a book?" he asked.

"You got it. Good guess." I replied.

Looking around, not even thinking of it, it struck me that I was sending out the actual book that had lived so many different stages of its life in post offices. Getting excited and not thinking of my volume I shouted, "It's my book!" Checking myself and returning to an indoor voice I said, "I wrote the book in there."

Nodding and smiling the way I've seen a thousand times before in post offices he said, "Good for you, hon."

It made my entire freaking day.

Schmear and Schmooze.

2011-06-10T06:12:00.006-04:00

On Tuesday Zaftigs Delicatessen hosted the Boston launch for my book. I also happen to work at said Delicatessen. This entire event was the brainchild of my boss Harvey, and I owe him a huge thank you for all his efforts! Also, A huge thank you to Bob and Holly for their incredible generosity of the space, the amazing food, and all the wine.

Note to self: Free wine and book signings do not mix well. The most cringe-worthy note signed to none other than my girlfriend's mother, "Thank you from the bottom of my bottom."

Doh.

It was a wonderful evening with coworkers, my favorite regulars, amazing Boston buddies, family, and friends of friends. A sincere thank you to everyone who came!

Just rolling all my books in a suitcase to a deli. nbd.

Better Late Than Never.

2011-06-07T06:52:00.002-04:00

In case you missed it, here are my remarks at the event in New York. Having to listen to myself speak is painful but I decided to post this anyway because it's sort of the culmination of everything this blog was about for the last five years-- getting my book out there. Thanks again to everyone who came to the launch in NYC and thank you to all of you who have read the book!

Note: The microphone system at the venue was a little weird and if I held the mic more than a centimeter away from my face, music turned on. That might help explain why the sound is horrible.

Note 2: We should all be so lucky as to have one person in the audience who is always willing to laugh the loudest.

Hope to see Boston people tonight! I'm thinking I won't do a reading but instead, an extended rant about babies in restaurants. "There's a baby on the floor. Whose baby is this?"

Friendly Reminder! Tomorrow Night.

2011-06-06T05:00:00.002-04:00

I Heart Farmers and My Hometown.

2011-06-05T17:22:00.005-04:00

I'm trying to plan a hometown event for the book and my mother suggested that I ask to use Esther's. It's probably one of the better ideas she has ever had.

For those of you who haven't had the pleasure, Esther's is a dream. Trivia Note: Esther is my great-grandma. It used to be my family's farm market and ice cream shop until a dairy farmer friend of my father's took it over. It's pretty much the best thing about Brockport in the summer. Warm nights, good laughs, ridiculously delicious cones, and the calm of farm fields all around you. What's not to love?

I have to say, my dad has some of the nicest friends around. When he and my mom talked to Carolyn (the owner) about the possibility of having a Brockport event at the store, she didn't even hesitate. "You tell her to call me."

So because I like to think I've learned a thing or two from Sabrina, I had a list of questions written out and ideas to discuss with Carolyn when I called today. Here's how the conversation went:

C: Hello?

Me: Hi Carolyn! This is Jessica Martin, Steve's daughter.

C: Oh, hi Jessica! [Loud noises]

Me: Have I called you at a bad time?

C: Well, it's a nice day out. Ice cream and nice days, you know.

Me: Right, well I'll call you tomorrow. Is that OK?

C: No, it's fine. You want to do the book signing here, right? Anything you want to do. Whenever you want to do it.

Me: Wow, thank you! In terms of setting a time?

C: We open at noon and close at dusk.

Me: Right. Perfect. I'll be in touch.

C: OK, Bye!

I looked down to my paper and stared at the only note I had taken-- "Noon-Dusk."

This is my kind of event planning.

Stay tuned for more info!

Boston Leg of The Tour!

2011-06-03T23:44:00.003-04:00

Hey, if you live in the Boston area will you please come to this?! OK, thanks.

Open-Eyed Sneeze NYC Launch!

2011-05-26T08:22:00.005-04:00

The book launch in New York was a great success thanks to my sisters, my family, my girl, and the incredibly supportive people who braved the pouring rain to come to Tribeca to hear a first-time author read for a few minutes. It was pretty much the coolest thing to ever happen in my professional life-- particularly considering I don't actually have a professional life.

To all the people who were at the event, I know this seems sudden, but I'm madly in love with you. Thanks so much for the encouragement and for making it a really fun night!

With all that said, I nearly missed the entire thing.

My sister Sabrina is a master organizer and had the evening planned out to the minute. She arranged for a car service to pick us up in Queens at 4:30 (champagne toast at her apartment at 4:15) giving us more than enough time to beat traffic and set things up at the venue. With the downpour and city traffic, I sat sweating in the back of the car as Brina turned around every 10 minutes saying, "We're going to be late." Noticing that I was growing more and more panicked as our car barely crept, Nessa made fun of me relentlessly. Chewing her gum in a way she knew would annoy me, and using a voice that she assumed would do the same, she foofed her hair and said, "Gonna be late, Jess? Late to the launch? You might miss it. Might miss the big launch."

It was not helpful.

Anyway, we made it, people came, books sold, success!

Thanks again everyone!

The Boston Event is scheduled for Tuesday June 7th 5:00-7:00 PM. If you're in the area, save the date!

Refreshing.

2011-05-21T17:24:00.002-04:00

Michael: You can't chew gum in here.

Me: It's not gum, it's a mint.

Michael: Oh, it smells good. What flavor is it?

Me: Um... Mint.

The Best Game Since Hat or Hair.

2011-05-14T21:16:00.002-04:00

The rules for Hat or Hair can be found here but What Would You Buy Me? is just as easily explained.

Window shopping is always more fun when playing a quick round of, What Would You Buy Me?

You Don't Understand My Music.

2011-05-09T14:38:00.005-04:00

I was on the T this morning and overheard a conversation between two strangers. The man who started the conversation was clearly drunk and the guy going along with the whole thing was incredibly patient. We'll call him Bill. Here's how it went:

Drunk guy: I'm a musician too, man.

Bill: Oh yeah? What do you play?

Drunk Guy: Awww, man! Rock & Roll, Jazz Fusion, R&B.

Bill: That's great.

Drunk Guy: [Closes his eyes and starts singing. Horribly. Slowly. Each word of his made up song is 35 beats and at least five different key changes. Everyone on the train turns to look at him.]

After a few minutes of singing a song called "Stay in my corner" (those were the only words) Bill smiled and said to the man, "You have a very nice voice."

Opening his eyes wide with annoyance, the drunk guy replied, "Man, I'm a drummer!"

I Always Route For The Underdog.

2011-05-06T17:54:00.003-04:00

I had a waitress at Waffle House once who was wearing a button that said, "I'm #2."

I loved it so much I sort of adopted it as a mantra.

Anyway, my book is in the bookstore window and its location could not be any more perfect.

I love my life.

Show-Offs.

2011-05-05T17:20:00.003-04:00

I've been seeing a lot of unicycle riders around town lately. What's that about?

It's obviously not a more convenient form of travel and honestly, it's just a little too showy for my taste. It's like screaming, "Hey! Look what I can do!" everywhere you go. People who can juggle don't walk down the street juggling. When I see people on unicycles I find myself rolling my eyes and then waiting for them to get to some sort of hill.

My friend said she saw a guy locking his unicycle to a bike rack. Really, unicycle guy? You think someone who also knows how to ride a unicycle is going to steal your wheel?

What would that getaway look like?

"Hey! Stop him! He stole my Uni!"

"What's that?

"My unicycle! Stop him!"

"You could probably just go walk over and ask him to give it back. He's not going very fast."

I'd like to see a chase scene between a unicycle, a pogo-stick, someone wearing moon shoes, and a guy on one of those little butt scooters that we used to use in gym class. And when the person wearing moon shoes gets away, this is how the scene ends:

Book For Sale!

2011-05-04T07:56:00.002-04:00

Well, it's official! Open-Eyed Sneeze can now be found on bookstore (singular) shelf, and is available for sale on the interwebs. Here is the link to buy the book!

Boston people, save on shipping and head to the Harvard Book Store to pick up your copy! Or, write me and I can get you one. I know a guy.

After May 18th, I will also be selling copies of the book through this blog via completely secure PayPal.

Options abound!

I posted the news about the book being available last night on Facebook, and the response from friends from my hometown was awesome. That town deserves its own shout out, and that's coming soon, but I have to say, Brockport is good people. Even when people leave and start lives in other places, something stays with them from that town. And we all know what it is.

It's the extreme desire to have a Wegmans.

Anyway, when I called to tell my mom that Sarah Schram was the first person ever to purchase my book, she started laughing with excitement and then burst out crying. My sisters had similar freak out responses. I love that my whole family knows the people who are buying my book by name. Score one, little indie press.

So, it's a really fun time for my first book! Read it! Tell a friend! Stretch!

(That doesn't relate, it's just really important to stretch.)

Thanks, Gram.

2011-05-03T05:00:00.003-04:00

For the purposes of this post, it's important to note that my grandma Lorraine is the cutest person ever and I love her like crazy. Whenever we talk on the phone she asks how Mer is doing and gets excited for her when she has exciting things happening. When I told her about Mer's fellowship she said, "Oooooooooh, that sounds nice!" She's sort of ridiculously amazing.

I never know how grandparents will respond to the whole girlfriend thing. When we had Easter dinner at my friend Jane's house last week, I introduced myself to Jane's grandma and casually said, "And this is my girlfriend, Meredith." I thought, well, if she's not down with the gays, maybe she'll think I just mean my friend, and then we can all enjoy ham. But this was her response:

"Oh, one of my best friends when I was young was a Transvestite and I wrote a book about her. You'll sit next to me for dinner."

Grandparents deserve more credit than they're given.

Anyway, a card arrived the other day and saying that I had trouble opening it is an extreme understatement. A recap:

The fact that she included Mer was pretty much the best thing ever. I love you, Gram!

Monday Blooper.

2011-05-02T10:24:00.001-04:00

Without further ado... a blooper.

Lots of Pulp.

2011-04-29T11:36:00.002-04:00

I was really proud of this joke.

You know what they call a marriage between two Quarter Pounders With Cheese in Paris?

A Royale With Cheese Wedding.

No One Tells Me Anything.

2011-04-29T09:42:00.005-04:00

I forgot my phone charger in Chicago so I was without a cell for about a week. Normally this wouldn't mean anything. Nessa never picks up her phone so I wouldn't be missing much there, Sabrina emails constantly and would learn how to send smoke signals if she thought the news was important enough, and my mom and dad usually just want to know what I've been eating for dinner. So when I finally got my charger back and called everyone, I was a little concerned that every phone went straight to voicemail. Did they all lose their chargers too?

Nope. They didn't.

The day after I tried calling them I got an email from Brina with the subject line: Pics from the Spring Gala. The body of the email said only, "Enjoy!"

These are the pics she sent:

Right. Well, I guess it slipped everyone's mind to tell me that my entire family was going to NYC Opera's Gala. Nbd.

But then, THIS picture was in the New York Times!

Here's the article. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/04/23/nyregion/nocturnalist-hobnobbing-from-the-ground-floor-up.html

It's sort of a Where's Waldo? situation, but if you look under the white floating art piece, you'll see Sabrina's red dress and my mom standing across from her.

Man! I would have LOVED to be in the New York Times! Blerg.

Anyway, mom, you'll be interested to know that I had a delightful seared striped bass the other night. Thankyouverymuch.

Deb Has Changed Her Name To Moonbeam.

2011-04-28T17:08:00.004-04:00

Another wonderful email from my mother, who has apparently turned into a hippy.

Jessica,

I am so over the top happy for you. As a parent, to know you feel true happiness gives me a sense of wonderful peacefulness. With you and your sisters pursuing your dreams, I can take a moment and bask in your light. Congrats!

Something about writing emails makes my mom wax poetic. I remember before we all went home for Thanksgiving this year she sent Nessa a lengthy piece about apples.

A Book In The Hand Is Worth 2 Video Posts.

2011-04-27T19:01:00.003-04:00

I picked up my proof copy from the printer today and oh boy, was I excited. It was also about 100 million degrees out (I sweat in the winter so yes, 65 is basically 100 million) so I was pretty stoked about that as well.

I thought I would surprise Meredith when she got out of work by sitting outside the hospital reading my book, but she almost walked right past me and I had to scream, "Meredith! Over here!" and then she was like, "What are you doing here?" And I couldn't think of anything clever so I was just like, "Look." and handed it to her.

My life just plays out like a movie sometimes! Magical.

Anyway, I might have one thing changed but then it's a go with printing lots of copies. Maybe you'll read it! That'd be great!

Here are 2 video posts because I'm so happy. One of them is a Rap video. Whaaa? Please excuse my sweaty, dead rat appearance. I was waiting outside for Mer for awhile.

A Moml's Love.

2011-04-27T10:08:00.002-04:00

I sent the book cover to my mom yesterday and this was her response:

I am over the top excited to see the fruits of your labor!!! I think I feel like Grandma did when she peered through the door of the birthing room. Your book is born!! I am incredibly humbled and awestruck. I can hardly wait to nurture it along its journey...Congrats, Love, your moml

My poor mom. The closest thing to a grandchild she'll see in awhile is a self-published paperback.

A few years ago around Christmastime, the fridge was covered with pictures of other people's children on holiday cards and my mom interrupted our meal by asking, "Now Jessie, do you think you'll adopt, or would your partner get pregnant?" I held my breath for a minute, deciding if it was worth it to point out that the question was launched from nowhere. Concluding that it wasn't, I answered with, "Mom, I don't even have my own apartment right now. Let's worry about imaginary babies later."

I love you, Mom. You can push a copy of my book on a park swing whenever you want.

Book Cover!

2011-04-26T09:13:00.006-04:00

Well folks, here it is! A Geoffrey Gavett original and the cover to my first book. It's laid out like a book jacket here, but you can get the idea.

If I can say a few words about my friend Geoff -- and I can because I'm typing this -- I'd like to do that now.

I liked Geoff before I even knew him. Whenever my friend Lauren would share a story about her boyfriend, I could tell by the way she had to smile that he was an amazing kid. I should mention that Lauren is one of my favorite people ever, so anyone that could make her laugh without actually being present had my immediate seal of approval. Lauren talked about his childlike verve for life, his humor, his energy, his style, his mind, his love for good music and his willingness to be moved by it, and the fact that he would make her breakfast. By the time I finally met him, I was practically his biggest fan.

I had the pleasure of working with him and laughing my arse off on the daily as he used various and believable accents, made up voices for people-watching, invented characters, danced, made funny faces, and spoke at the speed of sound. It was like working with a cartoon character. But better! Because Geoff is also wicked smart and interesting. He loves art and speaks about it with a passion that is tangible. His love for the process of creation-- for making something, anything-- is obvious and it speaks to why his own creativity is seemingly limitless. He has an energy that wakes you up and demands that you try. I dare anyone to have a conversation with him and not feel inspired.

Through music, drawing, painting, graphics, photography, and talking about ideas, Geoff is always evolving. He's just a really cool kid to know and I'm thrilled to call him my bud. Thanks for lending your talents on this project, Geoff!

Below: Cover Artist tries to peer into the soul of the camera. Author says, "Cheese."

Below: The thought bubbles of Cover Artist and author collide and fornicate. It's disturbing.

It's Not Delivery.

2011-04-25T23:49:00.005-04:00

Because no one delivers cookies.

I saw a commercial on hulu for this product:

This was my thought process after seeing the ad:

-Mmm, cookies.

-Wait, pizza and cookies? That doesn't make any sense.

-Well, maybe it does.

-No, actually that's pretty gross.

-What, you've never wanted something sweet after pizza?

-I don't remember ever saying, "Pizza! Can't wait to finish this and eat cookies!"

-Well, I've probably said that.

-But pizza and milk? No. It's like when parents order their kid a hot dog and milk.

-Ew, when I think about hot dogs and milk I start to throw up a little.

I actually paused my episode of Parks & Recreation to keep thinking about this product. I found that I wasn't hungry, just confused. Did the advertisers want me to somehow end up thinking about hot dogs? Hot dogs and bunt cake? Is that the next big thing? Semi-related: Have you ever seen a hot dog toaster?

And if pizza and cookies are such good pals, why am I just hearing about it now? If you said to two people, "You go together like pizza and cookies," they'd probably ask you what the hell you meant by that. Because while it sort of makes sense, it mostly doesn't. Or maybe it does.

Anyway, the whole thing sounds like a mall food court mistake.

With that said, I'm getting one.

Flashmob.

2011-04-12T07:18:00.003-04:00

It's the homestretch to get the word out about Open-Eyed Sneeze and if anything can get people talking, it's a flashmob. I debated trying to get those Filipino prisoners to somehow mention that I was publishing a book, but logistically, I thought a flashmob made more sense.

Prison correspondence can be so slow.

This was my first attempt at organizing a flashmob, so clearly there's a learning curve. Making sure you mention the correct time for everyone to be there is something to remember. Also, sending the alert out to more than just your immediate family in New York is a good tip. Especially if the flashmob is held in Chicago.

Overall, things could have gone worse.

Note: The security officer at The Bean was following me for the entire time we filmed.

That's true.

Monday Contest and Blooper.

2011-04-11T09:43:00.002-04:00

The book launch for Open-Eyed Sneeze is quickly approaching and today's contest concerns the signature drink that will be served at the event. I'd like to call it the Open-Eyed Sneeze, but any great drink name will work.

Create the winning signature cocktail, win an invite to the launch! It's that easy! And my parents will be at this party, so if you've never had the pleasure, it might be worth it to try to think of a fun beverage.

And now, a random clip.

Insert Appropriate Title.

2011-04-08T23:31:00.004-04:00

I guess I don't have anything else to say about this.

Soup, There It Is.

2011-04-05T23:18:00.003-04:00

Thank you to everyone for playing! The names have been collected and written down on wooden tokens and put in a sock. I am now choosing one wooden token and--just a second. Sorry, it's actually a lot harder to get a wooden token out of a sock than you might imagine.

There we go.

Ahem.

Ladies and gentleman, the randomly selected 2011 soup quote winner is (drumroll, high hat, improvised solo...) Gordon!

Unfortunately, Gordon lives in California. Hmm.

The second randomly selected wooden token name is (drumroll, slide whistle, didgeridoo...) Andrea!

Ok, she doesn't live in Boston either. There were restrictions, people.

Modern problems call for modern answers. Here's what I'll do. Winners, if at all interested, we can eat soup together via Skype.

Let me know.

Monday Contest and Blooper.

2011-04-04T10:13:00.002-04:00

That's right! I've started something new on the blog and every Monday for the next few weeks, I'll be posting a contest and at least one blooper for your time-wasting convenience.

This week's contest: Soup With The Author!

Have you ever wanted to have a cup of soup with a self-published author? Now you can! Simply text "Soup" to Open-Eyed Sneeze-- wait, scratch that. I have no way of making that happen. Don't text anything. Simply post your favorite quote about soup to the blog or the facebook page and one randomly selected quote about soup wins! I'll buy your soup, we'll talk or not talk, it'll be a video post!

Is this the best contest you've ever seen? Why, yes. Yes it is. Winner will be posted tomorrow.

Note: Soup will be eaten in the Boston area.

(If I get even one response to this I'll consider it a success.)

And now, a blooper:

Brainstorming With The Peeps.

2011-04-01T16:27:00.003-04:00

I didn't understand the assignment.

It's A Strategy Game.

2011-03-31T13:12:00.002-04:00

How can you get people to follow something online without annoying them daily? I imagine it's the most common question in marketing. I've been thinking about it a lot lately and I haven't come up with anything.

Justin Bieber has 24 million followers on facebook. That's a lot. How are all those people not constantly annoyed? He's probably figured out what works because he started as baby and the internet existed when he was a baby, so he had an advantage there. Starting early helps, I guess. I notice a lot of people put ultrasound pictures of their babies on facebook. Technically, those kids have one up on The Bieb. Web presence before fingernails. How can you beat that?

The pop song you dance to in 2022 will be sung by a kid who says things in interviews like, "Yeah, I've always loved to reach out to my fans. I sent my first tweet from the womb. My first hit was under the name DJ embrYO, and it was basically just that swooshing heartbeat sound you hear in the doctor's office combined with a few 'Jah's!' We sold 36 million singles of that song on the day I was born."

I'm interested in what makes people follow something online. I don't even check the weather daily. I've been caught in the rain without an umbrella five different times this year so you might think I'd have more of an interest in forecasts, but you'd be wrong.

When I met up with Molly she said her most popular blog post was the review she wrote for the Miley Cyrus movie, The Last Song. Clearly, this was a google search thing. So, I'm thinking (Justin Bieber getting married) that if I (Justin Bieber dates biggest fan) insert certain phrases (Justin Bieber shaves head) people will stumble upon my blog (Justin Bieber Ticket Giveaway).

It's worth a shot.

Has Trouble Focusing.

2011-03-31T06:51:00.002-04:00

Tried things out with the new camera and then spent over an hour screaming at it because I couldn't get it to focus.

All in all, this first attempt went as expected.

Stay tuned for video blogs, people!

#This Doesn't @Make Any RT Sense

2011-03-29T11:11:00.004-04:00

I hate Twitter.

Hate is a strong word, and millions of people can't be wrong so maybe it's me, but every time I sit down to tweet I get upset. We're talking temper tantrum upset. On Sunday morning Meredith asked me, "Are you going to do a morning tweet?" and I just about lost it.

Mer: It's one little sentence!

Me: It's STUPID!!!!!!

Mer: Just write one funny little hello.

Me: How about I write, "Hi, dummies. I hate twitter."

Mer: You're being ridiculous.

I'm just finding out about this deep-seated disdain. I started a twitter page a few days ago after having one of the most inspiring discussions of my life with the incredible Molly Galler. Molly is synergy personified. She talked about PR being a strategy game and discussed said strategies with an energy that was tangible. I was sold. The girl knows her stuff and can create more buzz than a can of four loko, so when she says, "Tweet!" you tweet.

However, three seconds into setting up my account, I realized I had no clue what was going on, I really struggled to say something witty with limited characters, and I didn't want to play anymore.

It immediately reminded me of my childhood swim lessons.

As a fat kid who hated to be told to jump into water, I loathed swimming lessons. Every week was a battle between me and my mom as I cried, begged, and screamed about not wanting to swim. The outbursts out of the pool were bad, too.

So I think part of the reason I got upset about twitter on Sunday was that while Meredith was making points that I didn't want to hear--It might be fun! You have to start somewhere!

Just once a day!--I felt like little kid me shivering in a bathing suit trying to clearly state why I didn't want to participate.

All I came up with was, "I don't want to!"

I'll have to sit down at some point and learn about it. #Blerg.#

Going Viral.

2011-03-28T19:18:00.004-04:00

In an effort to increase my web presence, I've decided to make a viral video.

What do we know about viral videos?

1) Anything with cats works.

2) Anything with kids coming from the dentist is sure to please.

3) The Chocolate Rain guy will be singing that song for the rest of his life.

These are all good starting points but I need something cutting edge and controversial. I need body double face replacement.

Right. So all I need is a good special effects person because I have the video.

I'm picturing my face subbed in for all these little children-- except the one girl who keeps smiling. She can stay.

And then at the end I want to turn into a swan.

If You're Not Doing Anything...

2011-03-27T07:57:00.002-04:00

And you're not, because you're reading this-- will you take three seconds to "like" my author facebook page?

What's in it for me, you ask?

Well, you selfish bastard, I'll tell you what's in it for you.

1) If anything ever happens with this first book you can say that you helped publish it.

2) You might laugh. This isn't a promise.

3) I'm planning some things for promotional purposes that could be pretty cool.

4) You're still reading this meaning that you already could have liked the page and saved us both a few minutes.

Thanks in advance! Up top!

Also, I take requests and suggestions are always welcome.

sssssssshhhhh!

2011-03-25T13:48:00.003-04:00

Listening to other people eat fruit disgusts me. Apples and bananas are particularly gross.

The woman sitting across from me at the library is eating both.

She also has the sniffles.

I want to unlace my hightop and throw it at her head.

Misled.

2011-03-20T08:27:00.005-04:00

My coworker Olivia has a very dry sense of humor that totally appeals to me. She's mastered the straight-face delivery of hilarious lines and usually says the funniest things under her breath when no one else is listening. So of course, when she volunteers a story by prefacing it with, "You'd appreciate this," I'm all ears.

Speaking slowly and with classic non-expression she said, "Yesterday one of my customers sent her macaroni and cheese back after one bite saying it wasn't what she expected."

Go Team!

2011-03-16T11:32:00.003-04:00

So things are moving along with the book. I've decided to self-publish and then promote the poop out of it using whatever outlets I can. "Promote the poop out of it" is an industry term. (Note to self: Buy the domain name promotethepoopoutofit.com)

Here's the recent progress:

-I purchased a camera and will soon be posting video blogs. Stay tuned for that awkward mess.

-I'm thrilled to announce that my incredibly talented friend Geoff Gavett has agreed to design the Open-Eyed Sneeze book cover! It's going to be amazing.

-Boston's PR darling, Molly Galler, has generously offered her talents to help with my efforts to expand my base. Molly's middle name is actually Twitter.

Seriously.

-Sabrina Rae, event-planner extraordinaire, is planning the initial book launch in NYC. Details to follow.

-Debra Martin, my mother extraordinaire, has offered to make eggplant parmesan for the launch.

"Mom, it really won't be that kind of party."

"What, people don't like delicious food?"

I'm excited. Maybe it's because I'm a farm girl at heart, but it's fun to watch something grow.

It's Like Missing Christmas.

2011-03-15T12:06:00.007-04:00

So apparently I missed National Pancake Day earlier this month. That's a freaking shame because I LOVE pancakes. But in honor of the national observance, I thought I'd share some pics from a night we went to IHOP back in the fall. Let's just say that I had an enjoyable time before IHOP, and therefore had no clue where we were when we sat down. The series of events as follows:

Thought #1: Where are we?

Thought #2: Oooh, reading material. That's nice.

Thought #3: Hey everybody! They have pancakes here!

Thought #4: Is all-I-can eat pancakes a good idea? Hmm, I think yes.

Thought #5: And coffee! Weeeeeee!

[sip.]

Thought #6: I think I'm going to take this cup home with me.

Note: This experience is not unique. It's the trademark IHOP experience.

Lightbulb.

2011-03-15T10:22:00.002-04:00

I interrupted Meredith's thesis time last night to bounce a couple of ideas off of her for the book. Always one to take advantage of opportunities to procrastinate, she jumped away from her computer, stole mine from me and opened the "Stickies" app to start making a list. I've never met anyone who enjoys lists more. Typing faster than I could talk, she rattled off more suggestions, asked me questions at a rapid-fire rate, and yelled out possible networking avenues to explore. Dropping names, venues, outlets, I could barely keep up with her enthusiasm and pace. Then suddenly, in one dramatic pause, she took a deep breath, pulled away from the computer, and spoke in a voice that was about three octaves lower than normal as she simply said, "Ask Martha."

It's become a standing joke that our friend Martha knows everyone in the world but to see a literal A-ha! moment as it relates to MG was just about the funniest thing ever.

Book Update: The Elusive Audience.

2011-03-14T10:37:00.007-04:00

When I last posted about editor responses, the main concern was that no one knew me. It was a good point. Here's the most recent feedback from different publishers:

Hi, yes I sent it to a reader who liked it, but we’re cutting back titles right now, so best not to wait on us. I need to see how eBooks, Borders, and the downward spiral of the book industry goes....Sorry!
j

I seem to have lost a few a emails, so I'm not sure if I've already responded to this proposal. If so, sorry to repeat myself. It's impossible to not admire and laugh with Jessica Martin but I'm not convinced we could reach a large enough audience for her memoir. It's so damn hard out there -- both for job seekers and publishers!

Thanks for letting me consider this one and I'll hope you'll send me another project very soon.

Best,
Amy

Sorry for the delay. I did take a look and enjoyed the read. She’s very funny, and her subject is certainly one that lots of people can relate to. I got some other reads and we talked about it. But in the end, although we all liked the material, we decided we didn’t love it enough to take a chance on a first-time memoirist like this who doesn’t have the kind of platform that could help us find an audience. We would have to really believe that this would get great buzz and reviews on its own merits, and we just didn’t quite have that confidence or vision about this project.

Mark

Right. Well, after hearing such a similar message so many times, clearly something had to change. I've decided to go in a different direction with the book and I'll let you know what that is when I figure it out. The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy with brainstorms so all suggestions welcome! Perhaps self-publishing is an option, perhaps a cross-country book tour/bike tour to read at random bookstores around America, perhaps a viral video involving my book and the patty-cake cats. I'm not sure. But I'm excited to be moving in a direction where people can start reading my book. I'm extremely fortunate to have some incredibly supportive people in my life, and I think once a copy of the book exists, an audience will follow.

This message brought to you by Naïveté.

Naïveté: Helping me think positive since 1981.

Woops.

2011-03-09T12:54:00.002-05:00

Going to a Brazilian barbershop in an effort to save some money on my haircut was probably not one of my better ideas.

Massage Received.

2011-03-07T16:06:00.003-05:00

For Christmas Meredith gave me a gift certificate for an hour long full body massage. She's asked me every week since if I'd like her to call and schedule it.

-This week?

-No, I'm going to save it until I really need it.

-This week?

-No, maybe next week.

-This week?

-No, I had Indian Buffet on Tuesday and I don't really want anyone pressing on me.

So when I saw that I had a rare Saturday off last weekend, she didn't even think to ask.

"I booked our massages. You're going."

You know the way you feel when your bath is filling up? That's how I felt for a week. I was calmly ecstatic for 60-minutes of total relaxation. Clear head, loosened shoulders, inner tranquility, not a worry in the world for one whole hour.

Right.

People, let's be honest. I'm a bit of a mess. When I begin to approach moments of inner tranquility, I start to panic that I left my iron plugged in. When I clear my head I focus on my heart beats and swear that I can hear a murmur. And when I relax any part of my body, I walk into things. Luckily, I would be laying down for the massage so there wasn't any danger there but I definitely pictured myself rolling off the table.

Mer booked a couples massage, which you would think would be incredibly romantic, but I quickly ruined that by begging her to wake me up if I started to drift off and talk in my sleep.

Before entering the spa, I kept asking, "You promise? You promise? You promise?"

Waiting in the lobby we noticed a "Getting to Know Your Masseuse" book. It was basically a general questionnaire that the different massage therapists filled out.

Meredith read all about my massage therapist for me like she was reading my horoscope.

Mer: Her healing philosophy is to work from the inside out.

Me: That sounds incredibly painful.

Mer: And her favorite massage modality is chair massage.

Me: What?! Chair massage?! Doesn't the chair do all the work in a chair massage?

We were called in and I felt the corners of my mouth turn up the way they do when I know I'm about to start laughing inappropriately. I don't know why, but I had the biggest urge to burst out laughing. Maybe it was because of the soft soothing tone of voice everyone was using, or the music, or the fact that I'm seven years old.

They led us to our room and each of them started talking to us individually. When they left so we could change Mer asked, "What did yours say to you?"

For as bright as she is, my girlfriend is extremely gullible, so I said, "Well, we talked a little bit about her 'from the inside out' healing philosophy and I just asked that she not put her hands inside my mouth or my butt."

"You did NOT say that."

"Mm hmm. I did. And then she told me to take off my underwear and get under the blanket."

"You're supposed to leave your underwear on! She did not--"

And then it registered.

They knocked on the door and our hour-long massage began. It seriously was awesome. My massage therapist had a little bit of a sniffle though so I concentrated on that for about 7 minutes. When I told Meredith about it afterwards she said, "Yeah I saw her go across the room to blow her nose." The only thing is, I never actually felt a stop to my massage. So of course I started to think, "Then who the hell was massaging me while she was on the other side of the room?"

I felt totally relaxed and it was really nice to be pampered. I'm also happy to report that I didn't fall off the table. Thanks again, Mer!

Movie Trivia.

2011-02-27T22:45:00.005-05:00

In the 2006 movie musical Dreamgirls, what does Jennifer Hudson's character refuse to do?

Mama Said.

2011-02-27T22:28:00.003-05:00

One of the funniest people I know described her day as such:

So far today i've had peppermint patties for two meals, set off the fire alarm by taking a shower, and cut myself on both the shampoo and a spoon. it takes real talent to live like this.

And later added:
aaaaand i got poison ivy. in the driveway. in february.

i quit this day.

There'll be days like this.

I once went into my kitchen and only found grapes, russian dressing, and waffle pretzels.

I made a salad out of it.

It struck me that this was no way to live.

A Perfect Moment.

2011-02-15T20:53:00.004-05:00

Walking home tonight in the cold, holding Meredith close, I hummed the opening riff to "My Girl." Never one to miss a cue, Mer waited for her intro and started singing. I adore her voice and listening to the lyrics made me grin like an idiot. Slowing it down and adding her own soulful twist to the jam, the song has never sounded so good. (No disrespect to The Temptations.) While she sweetly sang my favorite part, I dog-eared the moment as the best of the day. Hands down. No contest. The most perfect moment of my day.

Crossing the street on the "Talking 'bouts," I leaned in to tell her what I was thinking and she promptly tripped. Taking three fast exaggerated steps to try to run out of a fall, she steadied herself and looked up at me for a second before shrugging and saying with a laugh, "Your girl."

It blew the previous perfect moment of the day out of the water.

Happy Belated, Sister.

2011-02-09T14:30:00.003-05:00

I'd say very little has changed since this picture was taken. You're still quite the lady and I still sit like this in dresses.

Love you.

Thank You, Sean Kingston.

2011-01-24T12:52:00.003-05:00

My Hulu episode of 30 Rock was interrupted by an ad starring Sean Kingston asking me to get five friends together to start a Do Something club.

I feel inspired.

Cough.

Explain This To Me.

2011-01-24T09:37:00.008-05:00

I walked home from Mer's place this morning without my mittens and after about five minutes I was convinced one of my fingers might fall off from the cold. It was a genuine concern. To combat this, I shoved my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

No good. The thumbs were still out and still freezing. Need my thumbs. How else would I make hang ten symbols or hit the space bar when I type?

Next I tried cupping my hands and blowing into them as fast as I could without stopping. I figured a constant supply of heat would balance out the ridiculously cold weather. This was a good thought but ruined after a few blocks when I started to get dizzy.

I then tried a combo platter of rubbing my hands together, blowing when I felt like I could, pockets, and tae-bo punching moves to keep the circulation going. I don't have to tell you what this looked like, but it's interesting to note that one man crossed to the other sidewalk to stay away from me.

With no other options, I unzipped my jacket enough so I could hold my hands near my armpits, Mary Katherine Gallagher style. Pressing my arms close to my body to try to warm up my little fingers, I ran the rest of the way home. If you have the chance, try to run with your hands in your armpits. It's not easy.

Anyway, when I got home I checked weather.com to see how cold it was outside and it said zero degrees.

Then in a smaller font, feels like -20.

Right.

Can we all come together on the "feels like" temperature thing? If it FEELS LIKE negative 20 degrees, then you know what? It's twenty below. That's like a store trying to sell a cashmere sweater that feels like polyester. If it's itchy and rough, that's what it is. You can't call it cashmere and say, "feels like polyester." Why are we still stuck on the two temperatures thing? No one ever remembers the actual temperature. On days like today all you ever hear is, "But it feels like..." Or, "Yeah but with the wind chill...." Or, "Hey, can I put my fingers in your armpit so they don't fall off?"

Stuff like that.

I don't know if any of this makes sense. My head is defrosting.

"There's Talk Of A Blizzard."

2011-01-11T11:19:00.007-05:00

Three things you should know about my father for the purposes of this post:

1) He loves to quote the movie Groundhog Day and whenever there is predicted snowfall, he will say, "There's talk of a blizzard." incessantly. I wish I could call him right now on internet speakerphone because I'm 100% positive that's how he would answer and I'd like for you to hear it.

2) He packs the car for road trips to NYC like he's traversing the Oregon Trail. Growing up, we would wait patiently in the car as he ran back to the garage numerous times for flashlights, work gloves, snowsuits (even in summer. not kidding.), atlases, tools, fire extinguishers, you name it. I can't remember a single road trip to my grandmother's house as a child that didn't involve being asked to rearrange suitcases so my father could pack extra produce to give away, multiple pair of work boots, and some oil filters. It only ever ended when my mother started screaming at him to stop and threatened to leave without him.

I'm convinced this is why I only ever travel with a carry-on.

3) Clearing snow is an art for him. Some people enjoy watercolors. My father plows the driveway.

Anyway, there's supposed to be a lot of snow headed our way and it reminded me of the huge snowfall over Christmas in NYC. The snow was so bad in Manhattan we were literally walking in the middle of the road because it was the only semi-clear path. In Queens, cars were buried under six feet of snow thanks to the plows. It took some people hours to dig out. When my parents came in from my grandma's house on Long Island, I worried about how long it might take my dad to find a spot, but not that he would have trouble digging out. Digging out a parking spot buried in snow is sort of the only thing he's been packing for his entire life.

So you can imagine my shock when he arrived at Sabrina's and asked for a shovel. It was sort of like my father driving to NYC with only three tires on the car. I couldn't actually believe it. He immediately started panicking, believing that every shovel in Queens would have already been sold. Hauling off to find an open hardware store and a snow shovel, Nessa captured his success.

The way she tells it, my father jumped through the snow piles outside of the hardware store, walked into the street and yelled for Ness to take a picture of him with his shovel. Holding up traffic by extending his arm in the air, cars beeped at him as he smiled, gleefully holding his new purchase, saying, "Thank you! Thank you!" Nessa said she had to ask him to get out of the road.

They dug out a spot in no time and my father refused to move the car until they left a few days later.

Anyway, all this talk about a big storm made me think of it.

Buy a shovel now. Stay out of the road when you do.

I Don't Want To Call You Boob.

2011-01-04T14:20:00.005-05:00

A couple weeks ago at work Michael said, "There are two types of humor. ____ humor and ____ humor."

I couldn't quite make out what he said but I was almost 100% positive that the first category he mentioned was "boob humor." So naturally, I asked in confusion, "BOOB humor? What's that?"

Everyone turned to look at me. The unison response was, "He didn't say boob humor."

Looking to the floor, I simply said, "Oh."

A three-beat pause elapsed before the rainstorm of comments fell down on me.

-Well, we know what's on your mind.

-Clean it up, Jessica. You're at work.

-Is that all you can think about?

-Where did you even get that?!

Growing redder by the second I had no choice but to defend myself. Looking to Michael with a pained expression of embarrassment I yelled, "You said boob!"

Note: Shouting the word boob is not a good defense and will only make people laugh harder at you.

Laughing nervously, unable to say anything else, I covered my burning face with a check presenter and waited for everyone to walk away.

Love Is.

2010-12-30T23:35:00.005-05:00

It's kind of a difficult to explain, but here's all you need to know.

-I needed to do laundry this morning but didn't have any pants to wear to the laundromat.

-I borrowed a pair of Mer's sweatpants but couldn't figure out the drawstring so my underwear was showing most of the time as I walked down the street.

-I was carrying my belt because that's what you do when your jeans are in the washer.

-I was wearing my work sneakers, which are HIDEOUS. When Sabrina visited me she literally bent in half laughing when I put them on.

This is what was going on.

In short, I looked like a crazy person. This picture doesn't really give you a sense of how insane I actually looked, but trust me, I was embarrassed. On our walk back to the laundromat to switch my clothes to the dryer, Mer held my hand the whole way. It struck me that maybe that's what love is. Maybe love is holding hands with the person you're with even when they're carrying a belt, wearing moon shoes, and showing oncoming traffic their underwear.